


Infectious Love

by LittleDeer22



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Light Dom/sub, Mental Health Issues, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, haikyuu!! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleDeer22/pseuds/LittleDeer22
Summary: Sakusa is always worried about what germs may be in his world, so on occasion he does the obviously very rational thing of calling the health department to see if there are any outbreaks in his area he should be wary of. What he didn't expect from these calls was to meet a cute Epidemiology graduate student with her own neuroses to tackle.
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi & Reader, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Reader
Comments: 40
Kudos: 251





	1. A Citizens Right

It took a lot to make Sakusa Kiyoomi comfortable. Even with his routines filled with cleaning and health precautions, his inability to control those around him plus other random variables always made him nervous. How was he supposed to relax when he never knew if the person next to him was up to date on their vaccines, or if the lettuce in his salad was properly cleaned? Years of developing ways to cope and mitigate gave Sakusa some peace of mind but that didn’t mean he wasn’t prone to the occasional freak out.

  
It clearly made sense to call the health department every once in a while, to enquire about any outbreaks or notices he may not be familiar with, although unlikely since he followed all of their social media pages and kept the departments website bookmarked on his phone. He reasoned that the health department was government funded so as a citizen he has a right to reach out, did he maybe contact the department more than what could be considered normal? Possibly, but few have contracted deadly infections from being too safe.

  
Normally, when he called, he would ask to be transferred to the bureau of infectious diseases to speak with an epidemiologist, where he would be connected quickly to the now familiar voice belonging to a gentleman named Sohna Mitsuki who was would quickly let him know the latest updates, as well as remind Sakusa that anything new would be added to the website promptly when it became public information. This had been his regular routine for the past year when he would call, so he was taken aback when a small high pitch voice answered through the phone.

  
“Um hi this is [L/N][Y/N] at the bureau of Infectious Diseases is there something I can help you with?” you said quietly really hoping that there was nothing you could help them with.

  
“Where’s Sohna, who are you, what are your qualifications?” was his terse reply. It was only your first week interning at the department and already you were starting to question the decision. You took the internship after being persuaded by your graduate school advisor with hopes of using the research for your dissertation as well as work on the “public” portion of public health. You loved the research portion, you could do math and run statistical models all day but actually dealing with people was not your cup of tea. You didn’t really think manning phone calls would be part of the job but here you were with yet another angry voice on the line, mentally preparing to be yelled at for something out of your control once again.

  
“Oh… uh, well… he is busy I am guessing which is why they sent your call to me. I’m a graduate student from Osaka University and am interning here, but if you don’t think I can help you that’s fine” you managed to squeak out. The man on the line sounded harsh and demanding, two things that made you nervous and very eager to end the call. Sakusa heard your voice break and knew he had probably come off as rude. It was a common issue with him, one his cousin Komori was always pointing out and trying to help him fix.

  
“So you don’t have your doctorate yet? Can you even help me then? I need to know if there are any new outbreaks or investigations.” He knew for sure he was being rude now but he didn’t care, he deserved his information. You bit your lip and took in a deep breath trying to muster the courage to respond.

  
“Um well I did get my Masters already in Epidemiology, and I’m sorry but are you with a hospital or physician’s office?” You hoped maybe you could forward the call to someone else in the department if his issues were more specific such as needing guidance about hospital outbreaks.

  
“No, I just don’t want to get sick” It was then it clicked with you that this was just a guy worried about diseases not any sort of official you needed to worry about pleasing or impressing. You felt the muscles in your shoulder relax a little bit. You could just tell him to check the website and he would go away.

  
“Oh! then just check the website, you don’t need to call” you replied eagerly, hoping to get rid of him so you could keep from getting yelled at over the phone. Sakusa rolled his eyes at the reply, of course he checked the website just as he did every day.

  
“I don’t need to but what if the website isn't updated, I deserve to know if my life is in danger” You laughed a little at that. You supposed he was right but doubted how many members of the general public would actually be too concerned with inquiring about things like this, heck most of the general public doesn’t even know what an Epidemiologist is.

  
“Statistically speaking your life shouldn’t be in danger if you’re the kind of person worried enough about infections that you’re calling the health department” Sakusa mulled over your response, he had gotten his college degree in business, but was really only concerned with volleyball so he didn’t know too much about health statistics outside of infection and mortality rates of whatever disease he was googling that day.

“What statistics do you mean?” You noticed that his voice has softened a little and he actually sounded curious making him seem much less threatening.

  
“Oh um well just that people who are worried about diseases tend to take more precautions so you’re less likely to get sick, so for instance maybe you’re worried about whatever the general publics infection rate of something is, like the flu!, that rate would be less for people like you since your population would be more of a outlier, not to say its impossible for you to get sick of course, but less likely than a publicly displayed figure since that’s based on the general population of which you probably aren’t. Not that you are weird or different or something just that you seem health conscious which means you probably keep up with regular health exams, vaccinations, and take proper precautions, which you think would be the norm, and it should be, but really isn’t especially with men.” You realized you were rambling, something you often were teased about by your friends and told not to do by your family. He probably didn’t understand anything you were trying to say and thought you were just some crazy nerd trying to sound smart.

  
“Oh, well that’s good to know, I’ve never had that explained to me. It’s not that I don’t believe you but are there papers about that?” Sakusa was interested to know more about this, he always went off of the normal numbers he saw but if maybe due to his habits his risk was decreased then perhaps, he could be a little less anxious about some things.

  
“On health bias? There are loads, I actually just read a really good one published recently about flu vaccination.” It was actually a very exciting article that you had read three times now and already annotated thoroughly on your tablet for your own research down the road. There was a pause before Sakusa very quietly replied.

  
“Do you know where I could read it?” You considered his question; the article was published in a private journal that you had access to through the university but knew that for members of the public they would need to pay. Thinking with your poor grad student mind you thought you could do a good deed and share it with him to save him the money, was it a little bit copyright infringement? Yes, but you never knew a professor who didn’t mind giving people their articles for free, it was the journals that reaped the money not the researchers anyway.

  
“I could send it to you, my email address is on the website under the contact information, just shoot me a message and I can send you a pdf version of it” Sakusa pulled up the website on his phone and read your email address out loud confirming it was the right one, with your confirmation he sent you a quick email asking for the article and any other ones you thought he might find pertinent to understanding what you had mentioned.

  
“Thanks, uh I’ll read it during my break” Sakusa was still a little surprised by the rambling excitement you had just shown after previously being so quiet and having sounded afraid when you picked up the phone. He was however, excited to read these articles, and pretty much forgot about his original concerns for calling.

  
“Great, Ill send those to you in a little bit, have a good day!” You hung up and released a breath you were holding.

  
You’ve never liked talking on the phone, particularly with loud individuals since you’ve always been a bit on the sensitive side when it came to others being angry. You looked through your saved articles and picked two along with the one you mentioned that you thought were interesting and composed a quick email to send back to the strange caller.

  
  
**To: SK_15@MSBY.com**   
**From: [L/N].[Y/N}@Osaka.doh.gov**   
**Subject: Re: Articles**   
**Here you go! If you have questions about them let me know and I potentially could try and explain them!**   
**P.S. There are no new outbreaks or investigations 😊**

  
Sakusa opened the email and was pleased with the added statement since he had gotten distracted from his original purpose on the phone but was too embarrassed now to call back. He opened the articles you sent and saw numerous portions were highlighted as well as quite a few places where when clicked notes popped up. He wasn’t sure if it was your intention but you had sent him your annotated versions of the documents. Sakusa sat on the bench in front of his locker in the MSBY Jackals changing rooms reading the first article, taking the time to click all the portions to see what you had noted. He was finding your thoughts pretty helpful and interesting when he heard laughter coming from down the hall and the door to the changing rooms banged open. Atsumu and Bokuto walked in, coming back from their break with what Sakusa would describe as an annoying amount of energy. 

  
“Watcha looking at Omi-Omi, finally talking to a girl?” Atsumu wore a shit eating grin which Sakusa replied back with his best scowl.

  
“Oooooo a girl?! Is she pretty? Does she like volleyball? Can we meet her?” Bokuto excitedly bounced over to his locker to put on his knee pads for practice.

  
“Ugh, no I am just reading an article about epidemiology” Sakusa rolled his eyes getting up and leaving the room to head out to practice just as he heard Bokuto through the door,

  
“Tsum-Tsum do you got any idea what apidimitology is ?”


	2. What do you know about Anthrax?

It was finally Friday and you were clocking out of your first week interning at the department of health. It had gone well enough, people were nice but you couldn’t help feeling like you didn’t belong. At 24 you were the youngest person in your section by at least ten years, not to mention having pink hair, a flower nose stud, and a full sleeve of floral tattoos. You very clearly stood out amongst the sea of grey or black work attire in your colorful dresses and skirts. It didn't necessarily seem like anyone looked down on you, you just felt out of place in comparison to the academical safe haven of grad school where everyone was a little weird and not nearly so formal. No one there really cared how many piercings or tattoos anyone had so long as you brought intelligent ideas to the table, honestly you sometimes felt you looked way more conservative than a lot of your peers at the university. You spent most of the week with your nose down not approaching anyone yourself but also trying not to be rude if anyone tried to start a conversation. Talking just is not one of your special skills, so you instead tried to focus on working with the data sets given to you to analyze and trying to answer phone calls without crying.

You continued to exchange emails with the man who you now knew from his email signature was named Sakusa the rest of the week. You realized you had mistakenly sent your annotated versions of the articles to him when he commented that he found your notes helpful, you would be more embarrassed if he wasn’t just some random hypochondriac behind a screen. You tried to explain any questions he had which turned into a near constant back and forth, but now that it was the weekend you wouldn't be looking at your work email until Monday. You wondered if it was crazy that you wanted to keep the conversation going, it had been a while since you got to actually discuss your ideas and thoughts on these topics with someone not your senior, since your friends and family would essentially beg you to not talk about it with them. 

Sakusa seemed pretty smart based on his emails and definitely had a decent understanding of diseases making him interesting to correspond with. You weighed it back and forth in your mind and decided to screw it and sent him one last email giving him your number and telling him to text you if he had any other questions over the weekend. You figured he didn’t have to text you and if he started being creepy you could easily block the number so where was the harm? With the email sent you logged out of the computer and set off home.

It was a longer commute than you would like, since you biked to work and your apartment was much closer to the university than the department of health. You felt a little silly biking down the street in a dress but changing would have been a hassle, plus the skirt on this one was pretty long. Normally when you would bike to the university you would be wearing your standard look; an oversized tee and leggings, but unfortunately the government apparently has some standards for presentation. You figured if they could overlook the pink hair you can wiggle yourself into a dress a few days a week. By the time you pulled up to the little brick building that housed your apartment you had a slight sweat going but felt good. It was calming to feel the wind hit your face and just let go of the stress from the week. You carried your bike up the stairs and unlocked the big oak doors that always stuck a little to enter your home. 

Your apartment was tiny and quiet, filled with books, candles, and cozy blankets. The outside world was always so stressful to your mind, leading to you coming home everyday mentally exhausted. It was nice that your place could be a safe pocket of coziness away from it all. You could have lived with a roommate to save money but then you ran the risk of someone getting mad at you, or loud noises, or constant visitors, or even worse yelling. No, you would trade a million meals out in return for a quiet place to turn into a blanket burrito where no one could disturb you. 

The one large thing in your apartment was the bath, it was the main deciding factor when you chose this apartment. It was a large porcelain tub/shower combination, big enough for you to spread your legs out in. (Not that it was too hard since they aren't very long) You lit two large candles, set them on the bathroom counter, and turned off the too bright overhead lights. Turning the water on to a good medium warm you climbed into the tub, but instead of plugging the drain you pulled the handle that channeled the water from the faucet to the shower. There was something comforting about feeling the water hit your body, like sitting outside during a summer rain. Pulling your knees to your chest you closed your eyes, sat under the water and tried to clear your mind of the negative thoughts swirling in your mind. _Is it pathetic that I'm home alone on a Friday night? It’s not like anyone invited me out… and even if they did I probably would have said no. Do I miss Tokyo? Was moving here for my doctorate a mistake? Am I lonely? No! I am happy like this, this is fine, [Y/N] you are fine._ Pushing down the thoughts you let your shoulders relax, opened your eyes and continued with washing away the days grime and stress. 

After your shower you toweled off and walked into your bedroom to curl up on the full sized bed tucked into the corner against the wall, not bothering with getting dressed. You tucked yourself under the duvet and nestled yourself into the mountain of pillows behind you. Five pillows for one girl might be too much but definitely needed all of them right ? Choosing to clutch one of the fluffier ones to your chest you reached out and grabbed your phone from the bedside table. 

You had two new messages. One was from your college roommate and best friend Aoi, responding to a picture of a red panda you sent her. Your communication with her was a near constant stream of non serious back and forths. Sending each other random videos you thought the other would enjoy, making a joke about some book you both liked, or complaining about work and school. It was nice to know that even far away she was always there if you ever did need to have a deeper conversation. 

The other message was from an unknown number.

**[Unknown] : What do you know about Anthrax?**

* * *

Sakusa was surprised that you had sent him your number, he had been enjoying your emails since he was learning so much but he wasn't too sure about texting you. What if you were secretly another crazy fan who recognized his name and then just tried to bother him for tickets or an autograph? Sakusa couldn't bare the idea of being stalked by another crazy fan. He loved volleyball and that he got the opportunity to play professionally, it was his dream. It's just that his dream did not include people swarming him and dear gods did it not involve random people giving him things and expecting him to accept them. He had no idea where those gifts had been, what if that teddy bear was dusted with anthrax? He wondered if [Y/N] knew anything about anthrax, maybe she could be of use and worth texting after all. He could have his own infectious disease expert on call 24/7, now that would be a dream. The more he mulled it over he figured it couldn’t hurt. It's not like you were asking him out, and he could easily block your number, plus now he was far too curious for his own good about Anthrax.

**[Sakusa]: What do you know about Anthrax?**

A half hour passed before Sakusa felt a buzz in his pocket, he was currently eating dinner with some of his teammates at Osamu’s onigiri shop. It was one of the few restaurants he didn't mind going out to since Osamu had let him personally watch his food preparation techniques and always let him use the industrial sanitizer once more on the table before eating. When he looked down and saw that you had texted back he wanted to respond, but with the current company, namely Atsumu he wasn't sure it was wise. He may begrudgingly see the blonde as a friend at this point but it doesn't mean he wants to endure any teasing that would only become a thousand times worse with the enthusiastic input of Bokuto and Hinata. He slipped his phone back in his pocket and decided he would text you later when he got home. 

About an hour later Sakusa walked into his apartment. It was spacious but bare, lacking any art or knick knacks. There was nothing in the home that he didn't deem essential since more things only led to more places dust and germs could gather. Walking in one might not think anyone even lived there since the only real evidence were the couple of shoes lined up by the door and the food in the refrigerator. He removed the mask he had been wearing, throwing it to the trash and headed to the bathroom for a long hot shower. He needed to scrub the day off of him so he could finally relax. 

With a towel wrapped around his trim hips he walked into his bedroom and eyed his phone sitting on the king sized bed. It might have been a bit large for one person but he was a tall man and the bedroom would look even more bare with a smaller bed. He did admit at times that it looked a little silly to have such a large bed and only one pillow, but he never had need for more so there was no point. Picking up the phone he opened up your message to finally respond.

**[Y/N]: Well based on the question I am assuming this is Sakusa? But Anthrax is super interesting, usually only an issue if you're thinking about eating animals you found dead ;) There was an issue a few years ago involving a Hippo, you should look it up.** Sakusa grimaced at the idea of finding and eating a dead animal.

**[Sakusa]: Yea, it is. That is disgusting. What about the whole powder on things Anthrax?** Sakusa pulled on a pair of sweatpants and laid back on his bed. He googled the hippo thing and it was equal parts sad and disgusting. 

**[Y/N]: Why? Ya trying to take someone out? I can think of some better options than Anthrax.** That did make him smile a little, while he had threatened murder towards his teammates nearly every day it seemed like too much work to actually follow through. Plus he had to begrudgingly admit they were decent players, even Atsumu who was by far the worse. 

**[Sakusa]: No I am worried about myself. But I'll remember that the next time my teammate annoys me.**

**[Y/N]: I think you're safe, it hasn't been used in years. Someone would have to go to a lot of trouble to do that. I vote you worry more about e. Coli, or something realistic. If someone gives you bean sprouts, run :P** Sakusa sat straight up. Were you joking? Bean Sprouts? He had those in his fridge.

**[Sakusa]: Wait really?**

**[Y/N]: I mean they taste gross, but yea they are one of the most commonly contaminated foods. I remember reading about it in a foodborne illness textbook.** Yup, he was definitely throwing out the bean sprouts. He always thought they were so healthy, so now even healthy food isn't safe? What can he eat? Maybe he could just live off of plums forever. 

**[Sakusa]: I could have killed myself all these years with bean sprouts. Where do I get this book?**

**[Y/N]: Do you want to borrow my copy?** Sakusa didn’t think before responding, he just knew he needed this book now to prevent himself from accidently poisoning himself with supposedly healthy food. He didn't consider the implication of borrowing a physical book from you meant he would have to see you, he was too busy putting on gloves to dispose of dangerous sprouts. 

**[Sakusa]: Yes.**

* * *

_[Y/N] you are so stupid! You just told a stranger he could borrow your book. An eccentric stranger!_ Wrapped up in your blankets in your big nest of pillows you looked a little like an owl, an owl that was presently shouting fuck over and over again at the realization that you you were definitely going to get murdered by an crazy germaphobe. _I mean who thinks they are going to be poisoned with Anthrax unless you are like the president or something?_ You had gotten too excited to tell him bacterial fun facts about hippos and bean spouts that you didn’t think clearly when you offered. You could rescind the offer you supposed, but then you would feel like a jerk and lord knows your anxiety can’t handle anyone being upset with you. Maybe you could give it to him without actually having to meet him, like drop it in his mailbox or something, though if he were at all sane he wouldn’t give you his address. 

Meeting new people had always been hard for you, unless you were discussing science you felt tongue tied, and if you were discussing science then you never shut up. First impressions tended to not go well. You brainstormed some options and decided to ask him to meet you at a local park by the university the next day. It was an open public place where there were always people around but spread out enough that it didn't make you feel uncomfortable. Surely someone wouldn’t try and murder you in broad daylight around other people right? You texted Sakusa the idea and an hour or so later he responded that that was fine, he could meet you during his run and asked if 10 AM would work for you. You confirmed and told him to meet you by the lake, there was a big Ginkgo tree there you liked to study under when it was nice out.

Saturday morning came and you were an absolute wreck. While murdering you may be a little hard in the morning at the park, Sakusa was still a new person who could harshly judge every inch of your existence the moment he met you. You took an extra anxiety pill and tried to do some breathing exercises, you still felt your left arm itch anyways. You began scratching over the tattoos before you balled your hand in a fist to stop yourself. You told yourself it would be fine, you didn’t even have to talk to him, just give him a book. 

At 9 you began walking to the park, getting to the ginkgo tree forty five minutes early in hopes of having enough time to distract your brain with reading. You laid down the big plaid blanket you brought, took off your shoes and tried to relax. Reaching into your bag you pulled out a worn tattered book. You felt the pages of your favorite book and let out a deep breath. You had read it so many times, and even collected different editions of it. You knew every twist and turn of the plot by heart, which was a comfort, no scary surprises, just the reliable story you loved. You turned to one of your favorite parts and let your mind ignore your surroundings. 

“Ehm.. are you [Y/N]?” The question was quiet but you nearly jumped out of your skin from being startled, you even let out the smallest squeal. You looked up and saw a towering giant dressed all in black, including a black face mask. His dark eyes looked at you questionly and he had an eyebrow raised waiting for your response. If this was Sakusa, even with a mask on he was gorgeous. Who gave him the right to be so pretty, it would take you a solid half hour with makeup to look just presentable, and here he was in the middle of a run looking like that? This confirmed it for you, life wasn’t fair. 

“Uhhhhhh, yes. Are uh...you um... are you Sakusa?” It took a moment, but you quietly stammered out a response. You sat up on your knees and looked up at him but quickly looked away, clenching your hands and biting your lip out of habit. He nodded as his eyes bore into you.

* * *

When Sakusa saw you sitting by the tree reading he thought you had to be fake, you looked like some sort of flower nymph with your pink hair delicately braided around your head like a crown. He thought surely this couldn’t be bacteria girl, aren't scientists supposed to be frumpy? They definitely aren't soft, sweet looking goddesses, at least not any of the ones he knew. Sakusa looked around for any other Ginkgo trees by the lake but didn’t see any so he decided to approach you. He hadn’t meant to scare you, you seemed so enraptured by your book that he felt a little bad disturbing you at all. When you did look up at him finally, his breath caught in the back of his throat, from afar you may have seemed ethereal but up close and looking up at him you were dangerous. 

Big beautiful eyes on the cutest most innocent looking face stared up at him, Sakusa never thought he liked nose piercings but for some reason he loved the little rose gold flower with a little blue stone that dotted your already adorable button nose. Then you got up onto your knees and he had to try and suppress the images that were popping into his mind to keep himself from groaning. You had to know how alluring you looked like this. He might not be disgustingly shameless like Atsumu, but he was still a man in his twenties and all he could think about was what you would look like in this same position in his apartment, and with probably a few less clothes. His mind was so far stuck in the gutter he totally missed what you had said.

“Sorry what?” he felt his ears burn red for having to ask you to repeat yourself.

“Oh sorry, sometimes I mumble when I talk, I said I have the textbook, and that I’m sorry if it's too unreadable, I have a tendency to take a lot of notes.” You were biting your lip again and Sakusa swore you were going to be his downfall. You turned around and bent over to dig into your backpack for the book, it was a brief moment but long enough for Sakusa to notice the soft plumpness of your rounded ass, an image that would stay in his mind forever probably. He really needed to leave before he said something stupid. He wasn't great with women, especially not ones he found attractive. You got up to hand him the book, he now fully saw how little you were in comparison to him. You only came up to his chest, he could so easily scoop you up and carry you away like some Greek myth that he still wasn't fully convinced you hadn't come out of. 

“Here you go, um, feel free to ask me any questions, but please don't use this book as a reason to not eat food, trust me everyone in public health has been there at one point or another, but bacteria are part of the world and some of them are even kinda cute!” You giggled a little and then looked away shyly as he took the book from you. Sakusa needed to hear that giggle on repeat forever. His brain was short circuiting from the cuteness. He needed to hear that cute giggle more.

“Come to a volleyball game tonight” He hadn't meant for it to come out as a demand, or for it to come out quite so loud and harsh. He saw you flinch as the words hit you and he grimaced behind his mask, fuck why was he so bad at talking and being nice. 

“Okay” You quietly replied, looking flustered and nervous. But you had said yes. He had invited you to his game and you had said yes. He would get to hear your giggle more, and pick that smart brain of yours, and maybe even make some of his mental images turn to real life. 

“I’ll text you the details, I've got to go, see you tonight” and he ran off with the book in his hand. He desperately wanted to wipe it down with disinfecting wipes but didn't want to insult you by doing it in front of you. He ran a few blocks away to where he knew he could find both commercial grade disinfectant as well as potentially some advice about how to go about tonight. He just hoped the annoying twin wasnt also there.


	3. The Match

“What do you mean you yelled at her to ask her to the game?” Osamu was busily making onigiri for his stand at tonight's jackals game when Sakusa ran through the back door making a b-line for the disinfectant where he cleaned himself and your textbook. Sakusa quickly retold what had happened up to that point, possibly skipping a few of his inner thoughts about your appearance. 

“Ugh I didn’t even ask her! That's the worst part, I demanded that she come. She probably thinks I'm a complete asshole.” Sasuka raked his fingers through his wavy black hair looking to Osamu for advice. Everyone knew that Osamu was just as popular with women as his brother without being nearly as much of a jerk, and since he wasn’t on the team he wasn’t prone to the locker room gossip, making him the safest choice. 

“Well first, you are a complete asshole. I literally saw you make a child cry once when he asked for an autograph. But! She did still say yes, meaning that she might be just crazy enough to be cool with it, or she just agreed so you would leave and she has no intentions of actually coming tonight” Sasuka wondered if he had scared you that badly that you were just trying to get rid of him. He could tell you were nervous but he didn’t think he came off that threatening did he? Was he at times a little volatile? Yes, but only when he was extremely uncomfortable, like when people touched him without warning or consent. 

“I guess I won’t blame her if she doesnt show up, but if she does, what do I do ?”

“Just invite her out for drinks with us all afterwards, easy.” Sasuka cringed at the notion. Taking you to drinks with his friends after the game meant having to share your attention with them as well. He could already see that going terribly.

“Absolutely not. I wont have your brother hitting on her all night. Plus she is an intellectual, I highly doubt she has much to discuss with the three stooges” 

“Okay, what about a coffee shop. Graduate students love caffeine right?”

“That could work. I’ll have to spend some time searching reviews for the cleanest one in the area but that could definitely work. Now I just need to figure out how to talk to her” Osamu laughed and rolled his eyes at his helplessly awkward friend. 

After an hour of receiving advice from Osamu, as well as a promise of secrecy from his brother, Sakusa felt slightly more prepared to see you tonight. That is if you even showed up. He texted the team's manager to set aside a ticket for you from the normal seats reserved for friends and family of the players. Komori was the only one he ever gave a ticket to when he didn't have his own games to play so the manager was a little shocked when Sasuka had requested tickets put aside for a girl. He then texted you letting you know the details of the game along with where to pick up the ticket. He considered just asking you about the coffee shop now, but he needed to pick one first and he didn't want to seem desperate if you weren’t even planning to show up tonight.

* * *

“Aoi, what the hell do you wear to a volleyball game” You yelled at your friend the instant she answered the phone. By this point you had probably touched every piece of clothing you own. You had never been to a volleyball game, let alone apparently a professional one. When Sasuka had texted you the details and you saw that it was at a stadium you were confused until you noticed that the team were the MSBY Jackals. You had never asked him what he did for a living but you did remember his email address being at MSBY.com, you figured he must work for the company that owns the team which explained why he has tickets. You found it odd he was having you pick up your own ticket at will call but since it's the company he works for maybe he has to be there early or something? Or worse, maybe he didn’t actually invite you to go with him, he was just offering you a free ticket since you loaned him your book. You rambled all this off to Aoi faster than what most people could comprehend but she lived with you long enough that she was a professional at translating your anxiety spewings.

“Hmmm… I think if he was just offering you the ticket he wouldn't have said anything about seeing you tonight, but yea I guess it is a little weird. Nonetheless, you are going to this game because I know for an absolute fact you have not gone out in over a month and haven’t even been kissed in way longer than that. This is a sports thing, and hot men love sports things! Heck maybe you could even pick up one of the players if they are into short sexy nerds!” You giggled at Aoi’s reasoning, you supposed hot sports guys couldn’t be the worst thing ever but they was never your type as they tended to be too lunk headed to hold a basic conversation.

“I guess it has been a minute since anyone has touched me in any way, but I have been busy with research! And sports guys tend to not be into science girls. They might think I’m hot but as soon as I open my mouth to explain what I do their eyes glaze over” 

“I never said you had to date them, I am trying to wingman you from Tokyo and get my best friend laid. Plus if this Sakusa guy did intend for you to go with him he’s smart right? I mean he has to be to keep up with your bacteria psycho babbel” Yup that was Aoi for ya. You loved her and missed her desperately. She was who would normally drag you out in college, she always knew when you had been spending too much time alone and needed to adventure outwards a bit. And truth be told getting laid doesn't sound entirely horrible, casual sex has never been too much of your thing but you had been so stressed lately that honestly someone else giving you an orgasm sounded pretty great. And if that someone happened to be tall with wavy black hair so be it. 

“Okay fine, but what do I wear? You know the only sports I’ve ever been to have been swim meets and those are a sweats and sweatshirt affair. I'm not sure that will cut it tonight” 

After some further deliberation as well as a change to facetime so Aoi could see the choices the two of you settled on a black skater skirt, a white lace crop top, and a cute pair of black booties. It felt feminine and cute and the skirt was just short enough that when you walked the slightest hint of your thigh tattoos peaked out. You took your hair down out of the crown braid and let it fall down past your shoulders in the loose waves that were left over from the style. You always felt weird leaving your hair just completely down so you quickly braided a side piece and pinned it back with a flower clip. For your makeup Aoi had advised you to go with just some eyeliner and mascara since the stadium might get hot and having a melted face under bright lighting would not be attractive.

With about an hour before you needed to be at the stadium you decided to head out. You tend to get everywhere early so you could acclimate yourself, especially in new places. Before you left you decided to take a quick selfie, you felt really cute tonight and wanted to remember it. You called for an uber and when it arrived you quietly got in the back and started rolling through your phone to ease the anxiety in your stomach about being in a car with a stranger. You figured it was at least better than public transportation where you felt like you were suffocating. You decided to send Sasuka a quick text, maybe his answer could help clarify if you were going with him or not.

**[Y/N]: Hey I am on my way to the stadium, I wasn't sure what traffic would be like and I get pretty antsy about being late.** You bit your lip and hit send. Within a minute you received a reply. 

**[Sakusa]: Great, I’ll see you there. Hopefully you have fun.** You let out a sigh of relief. So he did ask you to go with him! Your confidence was boosted a little.

  
  


**[Y/N]: Haha I hope so too! I have never even been to a volleyball game so it’s pretty cool that my first one is a real professional one! I wasn’t even sure what to wear, hopefully this is okay.** And you sent him the selfie you had taken in your apartment.

* * *

Sakusa was at his locker when he received your message with the selfie. He wasn’t expecting it and not having been prepared he accidentally let out an audible groan. You looked so cute in the picture with your big eyes, your head cocked to the side, and a little smirk on your face. If you ever gave him that face in person he probably would have signed over his life savings. It was then that he heard the chuckling behind him of the last person he wanted to talk to about you.

“Heard you’ve got a girl coming to the game tonight Omi-Omi. I can’t wait to meet her, maybe I can show her a good time” Atsumu continued laughing as Sakusa whipped around to give him a death glare.

“Osamu is dead”

“Woah, Samu knew and didn’t tell me?! This is twin treason!”

“Wait, then who told you?”

“Oh, the manager told Hinata, guess he was super surprised you could actually convince a girl to come watch you play” Sakusa mentally noted to never talk to the manager again, but he knew he would have a hard time being mad at Hinata. That damn ball of sunshine. 

“I could have asked girls to the games, I get just as much germy fan mail as you! I just actually have standards. And to answer your first statement, you will definitely not be meeting her. Hell, even if you did she would think you're such an enormous idiot it would probably make me look better” It was true, women were always throwing themselves at Sakusa and giggling while they asked for autographs after games, always trying to slip him their phone numbers when they would give him gifts. The worst were the ones who would try and touch him, it was those times that he wished he could carry pepper spray on the court. 

“Oi! I’m not stupid! Just cuz I didnt get a fancy degree like you don’t mean Im stupid.”

“Your entire lack of basic grammar says otherwise”

“Ah shut up, I bet she’s ugly anyways” Now that made Sakusa angry. 

“Fuck you, she’s better than any germy girl I’ve seen you bring around games”

“Yeah? Prove it!”

‘Ugh, fine here.” Sakusa held up his phone, showing the picture of you. He wasn’t sure why he was showing him, maybe it was to get Atsumu to shut up for once, or maybe he was just actually excited about a girl for the first time in a long time, possibly ever. Atsumu let out a whistle. 

“Holy fuck those eyes. I would not mind those starin’ up at me. How the hell did you get her?”

  
  


“Well ... I don’t have her, we don’t really know each other. But stay away or so help me I will scream every time you serve for the rest of the season” Atsumu’s smirk went flat since he knew the threat was real, he grumbled a weak fine and walked to his locker to continue getting ready.

The rest of the team milled in and it seemed they all knew about you coming tonight. For a team of adult men they apparently had the gossiping habits of teenage girls. Luckily, the only one stupid enough to come and try talk about you was Bokuto who was easily silenced with a dark glare. Sakusa didn’t usually care about impressing people when he played but he wanted to make sure it was worth you coming tonight.

* * *

  
When you got out of the car you instantly had to ball your fist to keep from itching your left arm. There were way too many people. Do this many people like volleyball? You reminded yourself to breathe, bit your lip, put your head down, and walked in. Thankfully, the will call counter was right at the front and you easily got your ticket. You were confused when the ticket handler called you lucky girl but didn’t think much of it. You made your way to your seat, holy hell were you close to the court. Is this why he called you lucky? You snapped some photos to send to Aoi. You looked around but still didn’t see Sakusa. 

As time got closer the seats around you began to fill in more and more until the ones on either side were now taken up by an older man and a young girl with bright orange hair. Did Sakusa stand you up? He said he would see you tonight so where was he. You anxiously scrolled through social media to try and distract your brain. Telling yourself it will be fine, to just try and enjoy the game. Maybe he had to sit with his colleagues? But if that was the case why didn’t he try and find you before the game. It was all too confusing for your brain that you were too distracted to hear the girl next to you ask a question. When she poked your shoulder you looked over at her, she was smiling brightly and asked again.

“Who are you here to see tonight? I’m Shoyou’s little sister Natsu Hinata!” You had absolutely no idea who that was. Normally new people were terrifying but this girl seemed genuinely sweet so you gulped a breath and quietly answered.

“Oh… umm hi, I’m [Y/N], a guy named Sakusa gave me the ticket.” You watched as the smile on Natsu’s face grew even wider.

“What? I didn’t know Sakusa-san had a girlfriend! That’s so exciting. I haven’t talked to him much because he tends to not hang out with everyone and is very quiet but he is soooo handsome! Also he’s so good. Have you seen his wrists? The way they flick! They make his spikes go Fa-Bam!” 

“Uh uh uh I’m not his girlfriend, I think he just gave me the ticket for doing him a favor” You were so confused. What about his wrists? 

“Oh, well still he’s super cool, and you're way pretty so I bet he wishes you were his girlfriend” That did make you smile a little. You always considered yourself in the cute category, Sakusa was more in the model gorgeous category. In your mind, way out of your league. “Oooo its starting! If you have any questions let me know! I play for my highschool team! Not to brag but we are super good!”

The lights in the stadium dimmed and an announcer came on over the speakers. A big spotlight shone out by the court entrance. The stadium broke out in applause and cheers. He began announcing the players and one after another tall athletic men ran out onto the court until finally your ears perked up at one particular announcement.

“Here’s number 15, Outside Hitter, Sakusa Kiyoomi!!!!” Female screams could be heard echoing throughout the stadium and Natsu excitedly poked you. Sure enough walking onto the court was Sakusa. 

_ Holy fuck he’s a professional volleyball player? _

The game was loud, the lights were bright, and you had absolutely no idea what was going on. If Natsu hadn’t been next to you excitedly explaining everything that happened you would have been even more lost. What you did gather was that the MSBY Jackals won and Sakusa Kiyoomi was hot. You thought he was gorgeous with the mask on, but without he was something to behold. It was probably good he was such a germaphobe or else you would be too angry about him being a perfect human. 

When the match ended and the crowd started dispersing, Natsu grabbed onto your hand saying that you should come with her to congratulate the guys. You wondered if that was okay. Sakusa did say he would see you, but maybe he just meant he would notice you in the stands or something. You did think you saw him looking up to your section every once in a while. You quickly learned though that Natsu was not taking no for an answer so you followed hastily along with the highschooler as she dragged you down a hallway. The two of you turned a corner and a wave of anxiety hit you as you saw a clump of sweaty men in black jerseys talking. You wanted to turn around and run but Natsu’s grip on your hand was firm, you were not getting out of this.

“Hey Hey Hey Natsu-Chan!!! Did you like the game? Did you see my sick line shot at the end? Who is this? Is she your friend? She doesn’t look like a highschooler. Oh cool you have tattoos!! Did they hurt?” Your brain shut down immediately from all the questions coming from the hulking man. You felt so small and scared. He could crush you and he was walking nearer and nearer like he was inspecting you. You knew he was staring at you waiting for an answer. You tried to take a step back but you ran into something warm and solid. Natsu turned to you and dropped your hand, winking at you. A long muscular arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you into the warmth behind you. Your entire body went stiff. 

“Bokuto leave her alone. She doesn’t have time for your idiocy, can’t you tell you're making her nervous” You looked up and it was Sakusa who was holding you too him. You didn’t have time to question the action because he was at least the stranger you knew the most out of everyone here so his presence was a comfort. He knelt his face down near your ear and whispered. “Did you enjoy the match?” You're pretty sure you just melted. 

* * *

Sakusa wasn’t sure what had come over him when he pulled you to him, his gut just told him to protect you. He had noticed you during the match, sparing glances when he could. He even considered waving once but he didn’t want to draw attention to you and risk having his teammates notice you. Of course that was now ruined because every player's eyes were now firmly set on the two of you. 

“Is Omi touching her?”, “Who is that?”, “She’s so cute and looks so little against him” They were all whispering among themselves. They knew he had invited a girl, but none of them have ever actually seen him with one before. 

It was Hinata who spoke up first to you. “Hi I’m Hinata Shouyou! Natsu’s brother. Nice to meet you!” Sakusa noticed him eyeing the arm around your waist and decided maybe he should let go. He felt you relax a little, but noticed you didn't move from your spot with your back firmly leaning into his chest. He was happy about that. It was true he didn’t like being touched, but if there was anyone in the whole stadium he trusted to be clean and vaccinated it was you. Plus, he was about to shower anyways, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little amused by the shocked looks on his teammates' faces.

He quietly watched as you timidly introduced yourself to the various teammates. Thankfully most of them could sense your discomfort and decided to leave you alone. Of course certain setters were less aware, so Atsumu strode right up to you with the best smolder he could manage while ignoring the obvious glare on Sakusa’s face.

“Did Omi-kun invite you to the after party? If not, I would be honored for you to accompany me.” You turned to Sakusa for guidance. It took everything in him to not just pick you up and carry you off when you looked up at him with those eyes. 

“Ah I was actually going to see if you wanted to go have a coffee.” His heart nearly jumped into his throat when you smiled up at him. 

“Sorry i’m getting coffee with this guy. Plus I’m not into parties.”

“Well cutie what are you into?” Sakusa had to hold back his curses, wanting to tell his annoying friend to just fuck off. 

“Spirochete bacterial infections” Well that shut him up. Sakusa barked out a laugh and Atsumu gave you a weird look which he then morphed back into his most charming smile before walking away.  You turned fully around to face Sakusa, you were still so close to him. He could smell you and whatever it was was now his new favorite sent. He wanted to drown in it. 

“Soooo… Coffee?” You looked up at him and giggled. That damn giggle. 

“Yea let me get showered and we can go. Just like fifteen minutes. Feel free to ignore any of the guys. I always do.” You giggled again and then nodded your head. Sakusa walked off to the locker room where he ignored countless stares and questions. He just wanted to get cleaned off as quick as possible so he could get back to you.


	4. Is This a Date?

While Sakusa went to shower and change you leaned your back against the wall of the hallway trying to make yourself small. It wasn’t hard seeing nearly everyone besides the Hinata siblings had almost a foot on you. Eventually all the players made their way into the changing rooms and you were left with just Natsu again. 

“I thought he was just some guy paying back a favor?” Natsu gave you a mischievous smile, but she had a point. Why did Sakusa put his arm around you like that, and when he whispered into your ear all you could think about was him sucking on your pulse point. _Could Sakusa like me?_ The more you thought about it the more in your head you got. He was a professional athlete, if anything he probably just thought you would be an easy lay since you're a nerd. Not that you would say no to those arms being wrapped around you again but, he had to sleep with countless women right? You saw the screaming fans, you figured he could probably get just about any girl in that stadium. 

“Uh yea I have no idea. But I would take coffee over a party any day no matter who asked.”

“ Interesting, well maybe I’ll see you at another game some time. I need to go run to the lobby and get some onigiri before I go back with my brother. He never has anything edible in his apartment.” You waved goodbye, thanking her for all her help explaining the game, and then you were alone. Alone in a place you didn’t know, waiting for a very attractive professional athlete to take you out for coffee. You started to panic about what if one of the other players came out before Sakusa returned, would they try and talk to you? He had told you that you could ignore them but that seemed so rude. Your mother would scold you if she knew you ever blatantly ignored someone trying to be friendly. But what would you say to them? If you opened your mouth you would surely come off as weird and now they knew you were Sakusa’s guest so it could make him look bad and then maybe he would get mad at you and you did already know he could have a harsh tone that was rather frightening. The negative spirals of anxiety continued in your mind as you felt you jaw clench and your chest tighten.

“Do you have a rash?” You screamed and lost all support in your legs, falling to the ground on your knees. You looked up and there was Sakusa Kiyoomi staring down at you with concern. 

“Oh wow, hi sorry, when I get scared sometimes I spontaneously collapse. Not that you’re scary! You just surprised me and surprises are scary. It’s really bad for things like haunted houses, but it's great for me because I hate haunted houses, not that you asked that or care. Uh what did you ask me? Rash? No I don't have a rash” You were word vomiting out of panic and could feel your neck up turning beet red from embarrassment. Sakusa tentatively offered you his hand like he was debating if he should touch you, but instead you pushed yourself up on your own then pulled sanitizer from your purse and hurriedly slathered your hands. 

“Ah well you were itching your left arm, is it the tattoos?” You looked down at your left arm, red nail lines showing up in the small spaces of uninked skin. You realized you must have been itching it during your panic.

“Oh yea, newer ones can be kind of itchy for a while. Should we go get coffee?”

* * *

Sakusa really wished he could stop scaring you but seeing you on your knees again hadn’t been too bad of a consequence. Especially since you were in that skirt. He even saw most of the tattoos on your thighs, a pair of skeletons from what he could see, noting that he would love to give the entire piece a more thorough inspection sometime. Once you were back up and ready to go he smiled at you and led you out of the stadium to his car.

Sakusa drove a sleek black luxury car, it was nice but not gaudy like some of the cars he saw players drive. He opened your door for you, watching as you slid into the passenger seat in hopes of seeing more of those inked soft-looking thighs. When you looked up and thanked him he quickly slammed the door and turned around. He knew it was probably rude but it would be an awkward night if he got turned on right then from you simply looking up at him with your big sweet eyes. He took a deep breath and walked around to the drivers side getting it and pressing to start the engine.

“So um thanks for inviting me, I enjoyed the game or er match? I don't know, but it was cool! It seemed like you were a really important part of the team, you got a lot of points right?” It was true, he had scored more than Bokuto tonight, and more service aces than Atsumu. 

“I’m glad you liked it. Everyone on the team is important but I did have one of my personal best nights for scoring. Sorry that I was weird when I asked you this morning, I don’t mean to keep scaring you” He tried to focus on the road instead of looking at you as you seemed to struggle with how to answer.

“You don’t scare me, just uh I get startled very easily I guess, and also loud noises, those are scary too. To be honest I was just sort of confused, please um don’t get mad at me or take this as an insult. I mean I am probably just an idiot, but I didn’t know you were a volleyball player so I sort of assumed you would be sitting with me when I accepted.” Sakusa snorted, but he was also really happy. You had agreed to come tonight thinking you were coming to watch a volleyball game, something you have no interest in, with him. 

“Like a date?” You let out what Sakusa could only categorize as a squeak. 

“I uh... I mean..., is that a date? Wait, is us getting coffee a date?” Now Sakusa felt a tinge embarrassed. He thought he was being sort of smooth but you just shoved the ball back into his court. 

“Do you want it to be a date?” Good, he was back to being smooth.

“Hmmmm… I guess it doesn’t sound entirely horrible” 

“Glad I’m not completely repugnant” 

“No just eccentric”

“Okay bacteria girl”

“Bacteria are cute!!!!” Sakusa rolled his eyes. No, he thought, you were cute. Bacteria could all die and he would be extremely happy. Although that would put you out of a job which might make you sad. He was pretty sure you would look amazing with tears in your eyes but he never wanted it to be from sadness. He supposed some of the bacteria could stay just to keep you happy but if most of them could die that would be great.

* * *

“It says closed for remodeling, should we go to another coffee shop?” When you walked up to the door of the café the lights were off and a large cardboard sign was in the window. Sakusa looked angry and you began to shrink. You know you had nothing to do with the place being closed but angry people made you nervous.

“Would it have killed them to put that on your website? I spent all afternoon picking through yelp reviews trying to find the cleanest coffee shop.”

“Um where do you normally go to get coffee? I live on the other side of the city by the university so I may not be much help.” You were biting your lip hoping you could come up with a solution so he wouldn’t get mad. You hated when people were mad. Angry people yelled.

“I dont. I have an espresso machine in my apartment and I make my own cold brew. Ugh these business owners are idiots”

“We could go to your apartment and have coffee, unless that’s completely rude of me to suggest. I don’t want you to think I am inviting myself over its just you don’t seem to like public spaces and I don't like crowds so it might be best for both of us? You know what, that is totally rude I am so sorry, I’ll just call an uber and go home and get out of your hair.” Sakusa pulls you out of your rambling when he grabs your wrist and silently leads you back to his car. You both got in not speaking, your mind going a thousand miles a minute. 

“Tattoo itching again?” You looked down to see you raking your nails into your left arm again. You gave him a nervous smile and just nod. 

When you arrived at his building you could already tell it’s entirely different from yours. It's everything yours isn't; sleek, modern, and large. Sakusa led you from the garage to elevators this size of your kitchen that took you to the second highest floor of the building. When he unlocked the doors you expected a large modern apartment filled with expensive furniture and art, and well it was large and modern. You wanted to ask if he had just moved in but were way too nervous to form words. 

Sakusa took his shoes and mask off, walking towards what must have been the kitchen. You pulled your boots off and padded after him. When he motioned towards one of the bar stools you sat down and looked down at your thumbs nervously. It seemed you both were waiting for the other to speak, but Sakusa was the one who eventually broke the silence. 

“What do you want to drink?”

“Um well if you have milk an iced coffee sounds nice if that isn't too much trouble”

“It’s literally pouring two things from bottles over ice, why would that be trouble?” 

“I’m sorry I invited myself over” It came out of your mouth so fast you doubted he even comprehended it. 

“I rarely do things I don’t want to do.” That relieved you a bit and you happily took the cup he handed you. “Do you want to go sit in the living room?”

“Um sure, it’s your home, whatever you want.” 

“Whatever I want huh? I’ll keep that in mind, here it's through here” You followed Sakusa through the dining room to a large lounge area. There was a large tv on the wall, an empty coffee table, and a large sectional with no throw pillows or blankets. You let your eyes wander around the room taking it in, it just seemed so devoid of life. 

Sakusa situated himself on one side of the couch so you sat on the other and nervously looked down into the cup. You knew you should say something, but what? “Sooooo… The cold brew is really good. You’ll have to teach me how to make it, I spend way too much money on coffee” You mentally high fived yourself for that excellent small talk.

“It’s easy if you have a filter and a big jar, just look online”

“Right” Okay maybe not so excellent small talk.

“Are you uncomfortable?” You nearly jump out of your skin. 

“What?! Why would you think that? I am fine, totally fine. Entirely comfortable. I go to professional athletes' homes all the time. It’s not like I have next to zero social skills and tend to just word vomit and come off as crazy or rude or something. Pssshhh nope not me. I am good.” Sakusa laughed and you remind yourself to never leave your home again knowing he must think you're so weird and will probably broadcast it to the world to his billions of followers.

“That's nice, but what I meant was, are you too cold. You're shivering” Sure enough you were. You were always kind of cold but drinking an iced beverage in a big open apartment with not a lot of clothing on seemed to kick that up a bit.

“Oh, uh I guess a little. Do you have a blanket?”

“Just the one on my bed”

“It’s fine I bet it will stop once I get used to the air in here”

“Come here.” It sounded almost like an order and your eyes grew wide. 

  
  


“What?”

“I said, come here.” Sakusa gave a pat on the cushion next to him. You bit your lip and cocked your head in confusion. You thought maybe you heard him groan but it also could have been the wind. 

“Uh why?”

“So I can warm you up. Didn’t you say whatever I want?” He smiled at you which alone warms you up a little but definitely in a different way than a blanket. Silently, you got up and walked over to his side of the couch. You looked down at where he motioned to sit, took in a deep breath and sat down. Sakusa put his long muscular arm around you and pulled you into him, his warmth enveloping you immediately. It was so comfortable but your brain was working at warp speed. 

_ Is this when he makes his move? Is this how casual sex starts? Am I supposed to do something. Where do I put my hands? Fuck I am still holding the iced coffee so I can’t do anything with them. Should I put it down? What if I am bad at sex, I mean yea I have had sex but it’s been a while… Can you lose sexual skill? Is it like with school where you lose knowledge over breaks? I am going to totally embarrass myself if we have sex. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? _

You are brought back to reality when Sakusa squeezes your side, he was looking down at you smiling, “You look like you’re about to combust, what’s going on up in that beautiful brain?” 

“Did you know there’s only one antibiotic left that's effective against Gonorrhea and there have already been cases of resistance” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is smut coming up next... and it was originally supposed to be in this chapter but I thought it would be funnier and better to have it end on that particular comment. The positive of the smut for the next chapter is I probably will make it the entire chapter so it will be much more flushed out than what I had already prepared/planned.


	5. His Little Goddess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **SMUTTY SMUT SMUT**
> 
> This is a purely smut chapter with very little plot development outside of maybe some tiny hintings of y/n's mental health stuffs but nothing major that skipping with in any way effect your following of the story. 
> 
> If you don't want to read about your favorite outside hitter hitting it then feel free to skip this one! 
> 
> Also for my smut fans, this will not be the only smut chapter but the man just played a professional volleyball game so I am sorry but this is not some crazy 3 round evening. There is some light dom/sub hintings that may be explored later we shall see.

“Did you know there’s only one antibiotic left that's effective against Gonorrhea and there have already been cases of resistance”  As soon as the words left your mouth you were cursing yourself for having entirely too much knowledge on sexually transmitted infections. Sure it was good information to know, but not exactly a fun fact to scream out when a particularly gorgeous man had his arm around you. 

“Are you suggesting I have germs?” Sakusa was amused by the outburst. Perhaps if he wasn’t so close to the most enchanting woman he had ever encountered he would be insulted or even terrified at the grave lack of medication options. He would leave worrying about antibiotic availability for another day. He felt your body stiffen against him, sensing your anxiety. It was clear to him that your mind might still be in a fog but he wasn’t sure if it was nervousness or you being uncomfortable with his advances. 

“Oh fuck, I am so sorry. I say the stupidest things” You noticed that he didn’t seem angry but nonetheless you were still mortified. You had just implied he had Gonorrhea and instead of pushing you away he pulled you closer. 

“You are the last person I would call stupid.” He actually thought you the smartest person he had spoken to in ages. While professional athletes may not all be complete idiots, it wasn’t a field that attracted too many intellectuals. Sakusa wondered how it was possible for someone to be both so brilliant and beautiful. Maybe you were his reward for years of adhering to vaccination schedules and health recommendations. 

“Oh” Your cheeks burned scarlet as his hands began to draw circles along your bare waist. Your damned ticklish instincts took over, causing you to squirm away from his hand and into his side. Sakusa smiled at the development.

“Ticklish?” Embarrassed you began to pull away, only to have him hold you tighter. 

“No, your hands are cold.” He took the challenge and began tickling you with both hands. You tried so hard to maintain composure, you had always been so ticklish. You didn’t stand a chance. Sakusa watched with enraptured eyes as you squirmed against him giggling, only urging him on to continue his attack. As you were writhing against him the final thread of his self-control snapped. 

In one solid movement he took your waist, pulling you onto his lap, your skirt pushed nearly all the way up your thighs. Sakusa moved his hands down to trace the pair of skeletons on your thighs. He noted the difference in tone of these pieces in comparison to the bright floral sleeve covering your left arm. A question for another day, he finally had you just as he had imagined this morning when he saw you at the park. He studied your face for confirmation that you were okay, your big round eyes gazed into his as you cocked your head in question.

“Is this alright with you?” He needed to know you were fully okay with him continuing. You bit your lip and nodded. You had a million and one things flying through your head. You wanted it all to silence, you wanted the nonstop noise in your brain to just shut up for one night. You knew he could give that to you. Even if it were temporary and he never touched you again it was fine with you if it meant distraction from the constant drowning feelings. You wanted that so badly, and in that moment you wanted him. 

With the affirmative indication given, Sakusa leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours. He was tentative at first, almost shy, but then the hunger in him took over. He pulled his fingers through your hair, palming the back of your head to pull you in deeper. Swiping his tongue along your lower lip he asked for entrance. You allowed and met his tongue with yours, mixing your tastes. He wanted, no, needed to feel and taste every inch of you. He would kiss your soul if he could but for now he had to settle with kissing down your neck. 

You felt your core began to heat with the unmistakable feelings of arousal. You rolled your hips letting out a small whine. Sakusa groaned in response and you felt his hands move to your lower back. Confusion stalled your motions when he pushed off the couch and your eyes went wide, he was picking you up. You quickly wrapped your legs around his waist though he gave no indication of worry about dropping you. 

Sakusa needed you in significantly less clothing, but he wasn’t about to ravage you on his white couch. He was a man being guided by his lust however, that didn’t mean he wanted to pay for the couch to be sanitized, or depending on how things went completely replaced. He began carrying you towards his bedroom, but fuck did you have to be so damn distracting. The two of you barely made it to the hallway before he pushed your back against the wall refusing to break the kiss. He needed to feel you. One hand stayed on your waist but the other found your core. He felt his fingers meet the wet lace, the only obstacle between him and your sweet center. Pushing the barrier aside he traced your folds, they were so warm and covered in your essence. Proof that you wanted him in the same way that was making his jeans tighter. With each swipe you moaned until he slowly slipped one long calloused finger in. The squeak that left your mouth fueled his fervor. He couldn't fathom how you could be so tight around just one finger, he clearly would need to prep you for the other things he wished to do to you. Adding another finger he quickened his pace, curling them towards himself so he could hit you just right. He had to hold you tight as you squirmed against him, your breathing labored as he continued. You began bucking your hips, almost trying to ride his hand. The final straw was when he used his thumb to rub circles around your clit. You screamed out and he felt you cum around his fingers until your body went lax onto his shoulders. 

“That was so good my little goddess, lets go to the bedroom so I can get you to make even more pretty sounds” He brought you the rest of the way to his bedroom and set you on his bed. Your body was still reeling from your orgasm but you wanted more. You got on your knees and looked up at the tall man, pouting your lips just a bit. You always knew when to play up your innocent looking face. You never understood the appeal, but were aware it could drive men crazy when you did this. He looked at you and his eyes darkened, letting out a guttural growl he grabbed your neck and captured your lips, just like you wanted. Sakusa pushed you back on the bed and began pulling off your clothes until you were completely bare to him. You felt exposed as he sat up and studied your body but it only added to your inner heat. He pulled off his shirt and tugged of his pants which just left him in boxers where you could see the outline of something large and firm. He leaned down to kiss along your breasts, giving each nipple gentle licks and sucks even little bites while you continued to moan under him. 

“I could spend hours teasing those moans out of you.” He began to circle your clit again and your mind started to go blank from all the different forms of pleasure but it still wasn’t enough. You bucked your hips, you needed more.

“Please” Your voice strained as you begged. 

“Please what?” Sakusa pushed his thumb hard against your clit and looked down at you. You let out a small scream.

“Take me, fuck me until I can’t think or see straight. Anything you want just please Sakusa” He grabbed your wrists and pinned them above your head with one hand. He loved looking at you like this. Your naked body under him was more than he could have imagined and he wasn’t sure he would ever see anything as lovely again. He used his other hand to free himself from his boxers. Lining himself up with your center, he moaned as he felt your warmth meet the tip of his cock. He slowly inched himself in, feeling you stretch around him until he bottomed out. You were so tight around his cock that he almost worried about hurting you, but then you began whining and trying to move your hips. He got the message and began pulling out slowly just to ram back in hard. He felt his vision almost go black with lust and took on an unrelenting pace as your moans and screams goaded him on. He continued to pound against your cervix, watching as you thrashed back and forth in pleasure. You felt so good around him, he wanted to feel this always. Sakusa watched as redness spread up your chest and neck, your breathing becoming more irregular. His favorite was when you made little squeaks when he gave you particularly hard thrusts. In his eyes you were perfect, a little goddess here in his bed, under him, and surrounding all his senses. He felt you begin to squeeze around him and thought you were close. He knew he wasn't too far off himself.

“Show me again how cute you are when you orgasm” 

You knew you were going to cum again soon but you could barely muster out more than sounds let alone words to respond. His attack was brutal but it was perfect. He filled you so well, you might be sore later but it would be worth it. You wanted to touch yourself, to touch Sakusa. You struggled to get your hands loose and to your surprise he let go. He then pulled you up, holding you to his chest but maintained his forceful pace. The new angle gave him even better access, hitting against you to the point that your vision almost went white. Unable to handle the pleasure of the orgasm about to split through your body you bit down hard onto his shoulder and screamed as the thread snapped. Every muscle in your body seemed to curl in on itself. Sakusa let out his own line of expletives before pulling out, finishing on your stomachs. Both of you were breathing hard, neither moving, your bodies still in shock from the waves of pleasure. 

Your brain was blank and your body was numb to the point that you barely comprehend him picking you back up and carrying you into the bathroom. He continued to hold you as he brought you both into his giant walk in shower. He carefully washed you off while giving you small kisses around your face and shoulders. Once you were clean he sat you on the edge of the tub and dried you off, all while continuing to pet your hair and tell you how good you were, how cute you were, and how happy he was. Sakusa picked you back up and took you to bed. He laid you on his chest and covered you with the duvet and wrapped you in his arms. He gave you one final kiss on the forehead and switched off the lights.

“Goodnight my little goddess” 


	6. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I have been pretty sick with stupid headaches so I haven't been able to write much, hopefully I will be able to update more regularly and write some longer chapters. 
> 
> I Just want to point out this is going to be more of a romance of getting over hurdles together rather than a will they wont they fic. I am more interested in writing about two people in relationship helping to overcome things rather than angst about does he like me are we dating blah blah blah.

Sakusa laid in the dark holding you to his chest, watching the even pattern of your chest rising and falling. He breathed you in and let your sweet scent overwhelm his senses. It felt like forever since he was interested in anyone. It's not that he didn't necessarily enjoy relationships, but most people found his lifestyle too demanding. Between all his practices and his eccentricities most weren't interested in staying with him for the long haul. Sure he got propositioned often, but he knew they only were interested because he was Sakusa Kiyoomi the volleyball player. Most of those girls couldn't even hold a conversation, just wanted to say they had been with someone famous. The few women he had dated in the past few years were fine but they never lasted long. Either he would get too annoyed with them being inconsiderate to his preferences or they would leave out of frustration with them. He loved that you knew so much about diseases, not just about them on a biological level but on risk in the populations. He found talking to you interesting and it actually calmed some of his worries to hear your logical reasoning about why he might not need to concerned about flesh eating algae. You being so alluring also helped. 

He was serious when he called you a goddess. Right then with your body illuminated by the moon he reckons anyone would assume you were otherworldly somehow. He wondered if you knew how breathtaking you are. In the park you looked like some sort of flower deity with your pink hair and bright eyes, the colorful floral tattoos weaving around your arm. Sakusa ran his fingers down your left arm, tracing the intricate leaves and petals of the art. He never had been that interested in tattoos but he thought yours were beautiful and they just somehow went with you. He wanted to ask you why it was only that arm and if there was meaning to the art. And then there were the skeletons on your thighs. The two styles seemed so in contrast with each other, one full of life the other death. As sexy as the ones on your thighs were he thought he preferred the flowers. They were just so bright and beautiful, like your eyes when you looked up at him smiling.  As his fingers continued down along the piece he felt small raised lines crisscrossing along your inner arm. He followed them and felt that they went from your wrist all the way up your inner arm. Memories of you scratching and clinging to that arm earlier popped into his mind. He held you to his chest a little tighter and pressed his lips into your hair.  _ I want to know what happened little one. I want to know so I can keep it from ever happening again. You're too precious to be in pain.  _ Sakusa decided then that he would never let anyone hurt you, including yourself. 

* * *

When you woke up the next morning you were alone, wrapped up in Sakusa’s duvet while the memories of the night before flooded back in. The loud noises and bright lights of the volleyball game, all of the people, and then Sakusa. You remembered that he had brought you home and you pleaded for him to essentially fuck you out of your internal panic, which he definitely did. However great the previous night with him had been though, you were now left with a new problem of being naked and alone in a practical strangers bed. A stranger who you now remembered is a professional athlete, who definitely did not use a condom last night. Images of all the fangirls from the game came to mind and you found yourself sitting up in bed trying to figure out the likelihood of being exposed to something. Even if most STI’s were easily treatable you really weren’t in the mood for this. You were too busy doing calculations in your head to notice Sakusa coming down the hall.

“You’re going to hurt yourself thinking too hard” You jumped and looked up to see him leaning against the doorway smirking. He was only wearing black sweatpants that hung low on his trimmed hips. You mentally cursed him again for being so attractive. You knew you should respond with something polite like good morning, or thanks for fucking me near brain dead, but your mouth was dry and nothing was coming out. You wanted something to hold to ground yourself, your arms flailing for one of your many fluffy pillows but this wasn't your room and there was just the one flattened behind you. You grabbed it anyways and held it tight to your chest. _For gods sake how does this man have no pillows._ You clung to it like a lifeline, took a deep breath and just said the first thing that came out.

“Uhhh.. do you not like pillows?” Fuck you really are the worst at talking. 

“I only have one head, so one pillow. More would just mean more to keep clean” You thought about how minimal his apartment was. Large but empty, was it all just to limit the things needed to be cleaned? Considering that this man regularly called the health department you weren’t too surprised, but you did find it sort of funny. You had never thought much about the extra cleaning involved in having so many pillows and blankets, you just washed them regularly and enjoyed their comfort. Perhaps this was a tactic to not exude comfort though. Maybe he was one of those bachelors who slept with women and then just tried to get them out of their apartment as fast as possible, was he coming in right now to kick you out?

“But, um, what about when you have someone sleep over?” 

“I don’t let people sleep over, they bring germs” You started to panic a little.  _ Is he mad at me for sleeping over then? I am the rudest worst person ever. First I invited myself over, and then I invaded his bed. He probably hates me now. Ughhhh.  _ You closed your eyes and tried to center yourself, clutching the pillow hard. 

“You let me.”

“I did” You opened your eyes when you felt the bed dip. Sakusa had walked over and sat down on the side closest to you. He didn’t look mad, but you were having trouble reading him. Why was he staring at you so hard?  _ Fuck I am still naked.  _

“Oh... So I guess you sleep at their places?”

“No.”

“Oh do you take them to Hotels?”

“Are you insinuating I am sleeping with hoards of people [Y/N]?” The words came out flat but he was smirking, you could have sworn he sounded almost amused. You know you're probably insulting him, but you saw the fan girls and you deserve to know if you are now infected with something. Honestly, you're a little surprised he didn’t use protection last night, seeing as the man so constantly discusses germs. 

“You’re a professional athlete, don’t you have women throwing themselves at you?”

“You’re the first person I’ve ever brought to my apartment, and I have no interest in anyone willing to throw themselves at me purely because I am good at a sport.” 

“Oh...why me?” Your mind couldn’t quite wrap your head around the comment. If he didn’t bring people back then why did he say yes last night. Maybe he was like you and just sucked at saying no and didn’t want to disappoint you. 

"One, I trust you aren’t germy. If anything I am probably germier than you. Two, I like talking to you, I find you interesting. And three you're beautiful and I wanted to have you all to myself. So when you suggested we just hang out here when the café was closed I didn't hesitate to bring you back.” 

Sakusa leaned in close to you and put his hands on your arms pulling them from the pillow. Your breath hitched as he ran his fingers up and down your wrists until he pulled you forward toward him. Even with you sitting up on your knees he still seemed so much bigger than you when you looked up to meet his gaze. His stare was softer than what you expected, like he was looking at something with admiration or wonder. Your face began to heat up as the weight of his words and actions hit you.  _ Wait, does Sakusa like me? Why would he want me? He could have anyone he wanted. All I have to offer is bacterial pathogenesis fun facts.  _ Your mind began to spiral a little as he inched closer to your face. _What am I supposed to say back to that? He just called me beautiful, I am not beautiful. I mean yea, cute for sure but ugh what do I say, 'no way you're gorgeous and I think you're really interesting lets date forever and have giant scientist/jock babies'? No not that, definitely not that. Whatever I do I cannot say that._

“You know we don’t really use the term germ” Sakusa chuckled and gave you a warm smile. You weren’t sure what it was but his smile made you feel safe. You let him pull you up onto his lap, his hands tracing up and down your exposed back. For the first time in a while your brain stopped worrying about what to say or what he thinks. He told you what he thinks, and his actions right now were backing it up. Maybe you could let your walls down just a little for him. Sakusa ducked his mouth near you ear and you felt the warmth of his breath on your neck. 

“I’m going to kiss you now”

“Oh... um, okay” And he did. 


	7. Bitemarks and Best Friends

Sakusa and you spent the morning in bed; drinking coffee, kissing, and discussing the prevalence of various bacteria strains in Japan. It was probably the best morning you had ever had with a man. You were so used to friends and family pushing aside your favorite topics. Two college friends even made the [Y/N] rule for when they were out in public that you weren’t allowed to discuss any science. When you broke this rule they would ignore you, pretend you weren’t there, a few times even constructing a wall with dinner menus between your side of the table and theirs. You had never experienced someone asking you about these things with genuine interest, let alone following the responses with kisses. You wished you could spend all day in bed with Sakusa talking, he was blunt and short but you liked it. There were no hidden meanings for you to interpret, and you felt that everything he said he truly believed. As with all great mornings, they must end. Sakusa dropped you off at your apartment on his way to training so you could get to some of your reading for school. He kissed you goodbye and waited until you were safely inside to drive off.

The moment you were inside your apartment you stripped off the previous night's clothes and took a shower. You sat down in the middle of the cold porcelain, turned on the water, and let the warm stream of the shower fall over your body. Part of you still felt like it was a dream and was so happy. The other part was terrified. It had been so long since you had really liked someone, really connected with anyone. You heard all of the sweet things he said and you didn't doubt that he thought them, but that didn’t mean you agreed with his opinion. So he thought you were beautiful and smart, how long would it be before he changed his mind? How long would it take before he realized you weren’t charming, or was exasperated by your anxieties. You wanted to like Sakusa Kiyoomi, but you were afraid to. Liking him meant being vulnerable, vulnerability was weakness, you didn’t want to be weak anymore. You bit down on your left arm and cried as the warm water washed off your tears. 

You had calmed your mind a bit by the time you decided to get out of the shower. Unfortunately not before you had bitten hard enough into your arm to leave imprints that would bruise, but you knew it would be camouflaged under the blue and pink flowers on your lower arm. You curled up in your bed feeling the soft sheets and blankets on your bare skin and nestled into your horde of pillows. You reached over to your bedside table to check your phone, and bit your lower lip when you saw you had one new message from Sakusa. 

**Sakusa Kiyoomi:** Have dinner with me this week. 

You really wanted to, you really did. Dinner meant sitting across from him at a table though, staring at you for who knows how long. You would be expected to pick a food, and then eat the food in front of him. What if you chose the wrong food? Or what if he didn’t like the way you ate? You never heard complaints about the way you ate before, but you had mentally disliked how others ate in the past so it didn’t seem impossible. You scrunched your face and mentally debated what to do. You supposed that one dinner did not mean you would have to lay all your cards on the table. Maybe you could have a date where he asks zero personal questions and you only talk about science and math! You had managed to talk the entire morning without finding out all that much about each other outside of asking him about volleyball when he asked you about bacteria (You figured it was only polite since he had let you ramble on about how interesting the different stages of syphilis were). After twenty minutes of typing and retyping responses you said fuck it.

 **Y/N:** Ok.

* * *

Sakusa watched as you walked into your apartment building and bit his lip. He wished he could have kept you tight to his chest all day but he had training and you had mentioned having readings for class. He loved playing volleyball, and rarely didn’t want to play. This was one of those rare moments. When he got to the locker room Bokuto and Hinata were already there changing into their practice uniforms. They turned and both gave Sakusa excited looks that made him internally groan. He liked both of them, considered them friends, but they were both so excitable and annoying, and were worse as a pair since they just fed off of each other's energy. 

“Omi-Kun did you have fun with your date last night?! She was so pretty! Are you sure she isn’t your girlfriend? I’ve never seen you touch a girl before last night!”

“Yea Omi-San! Natsu said she was super nice and super cool! She wants you to invite her to all the home games so they can become friends and talk!”

“Oh Oh Oh! I want to be her friend too!! Invite her to our next home game!!”

Sakusa rubbed his forehead as he tried to process the words his friends were speaking far too quickly and far too loudly. He simply replied “ Maybe, we will see.” He liked the idea of you coming to his games, having someone watch him was pretty nice. He also liked the idea of you being his girlfriend but he figured he should ask you on a real date before he invited you to all the home matches for the rest of the season or suggested an exclusive relationship. It was no secret that he didn’t particularly like going out to restaurants because he didn’t really trust food he didn’t prepare himself but he knew that was a pretty standard “real” date. Before he could talk himself out of it he pulled out his phone and sent you a quick text asking you to get dinner that week. He threw the phone into his locker, starting to get changed for practice he heard Bokuto gasp and Hinata start giggling. 

“Omi-kun, did you get attacked by an animal last night? Wait is that a bite mark on your shoulder?” Sakusa groaned, he wasn’t sure if Bokuto was joking or just very stupid. He had forgotten about the evidence from the previous evening, not that he could have covered it up but he could have been a little smarter while changing. The damage was done though, if those idiots knew then the whole team would soon enough.

Outside of some light teasing his teammates left him alone after he made it abundantly clear that he would not be discussing you with them. It was really only the three stooges who were stupid enough to keep bugging him but the dark glare he gave Atsumu when he mentioned you being kinky shut them up for the rest of practice. He had loved every minute he spent with you and was not about to spoil the memory by discussing it with his idiot friends. After practice he showered and changed quickly wanting to avoid any further questions. He checked his phone as he exited the locker room and saw you had responded. 

**Y/N:** Ok.

Sakusa looked at the short reply. He was ecstatic that you had agreed to go to dinner with him but normally you had more to say. He noticed that you rambled but it was one of the qualities he found so cute about you. You had mentioned getting some reading done for class so he just assumed you were distracted by that. He pulled up his calendar for the week, and sent you a text suggesting Tuesday night. Should things go late their team doesn’t practice Wednesday mornings so it would be perfect.

**Sakusa Kiyoomi:** I leave Friday for an away game, can you meet me on Tuesday?

 **Y/N:** I’ll be done with class by 6. So if you are good with meeting around 7:30 then Tuesday is fine

 **Sakusa Kiyoomi:** 7:30 works. Is there anywhere you would want to go?

 **Y/N:** I don’t go out to eat almost ever so I really wouldn’t know. But I don’t eat pork. Pigs scare me.

 **Sakusa Kiyoomi:** Okay, I know a place. There will be no pigs. 

He was happy that you quickly replied, and with texts that seemed more yourself. Sakusa wasn’t sure if he wanted to know why pigs scared you. Based on previous conversations it could either be for a super logical reason or a super irrational reason, it seemed there was very little middle ground for you. Despite the pork issue he knew exactly where he could take you that there would be no pigs and where he wouldn’t need to worry about being poisoned. As much as he didn’t want to, he considered calling Komori for advice on how to proceed as far as dating. He was annoying but he also knew Sakusa better than anyone. 

* * *

“Why the hell did you tell him you were afraid of pigs? You can just say you don’t eat pork, it's not that weird” Aoi had called you to grill you for details about the previous evening. Since she hadn’t received a billion text messages she knew you were either dead or had enjoyed your night. You had a history of using your phone as a distraction from anxious situations, a small piece of escapism. When she didn’t hear from you she figured you had enjoyed the volleyball match, but she did not expect to learn that you had gone and spent a lust filled evening with a professional athlete.

“Well I don’t know, it's a popular food. I figured I should give an explanation because I eat other meats! I just don't trust pigs. Their immune systems are too close to ours plus they have evil eyes.” Those creepy cannibalistic fuckers with their weird little feet, you didn’t care how good ribs were. 

“Evil eyes got it… So are you dating him?” Dinner is a date usually, so were you dating Sakusa? You didn’t hate the idea one bit but you still had a gut filled with doubt. How could you possibly be good enough for someone like him?

“I have no idea. Do you think I should even bother going to this dinner, maybe I’ll cancel”

“What? Why would you cancel? You have barely dated since you went to grad school and we both know it isn’t because you are too busy. Most nights you are already finished with your school work so you just stay up reading in bed” Aoi wasn't wrong, you thought books were better company than people. Books are quiet, and they don’t yell at you or call you things like a failure. Books were safe, why have human interaction would you could read about it from the safety of your blanket burrito?

“Aoi, he's a professional athlete. I think he just thinks I am pretty and likes the I know what strain of flu is an issue this year”

“Well you are pretty, and clearly he likes talking to you. I vote you go for it, and as determined by the roommate debate of sophomore year my vote counts for two so you are outnumbered my friend so sorry” That made you groan, Aoi never let anything go and never forgot. She had the memory of a steel trap and she kept score always. 

“I’m not sure roommate voting rights stand once you are no longer roommates. Besides, how can he like me, he doesn't know me. Once he does he will definitely not want to stay around to hang out with the defective goods” As soon as you said it you felt your chest tighten. That stupid word that had haunted you for years. You didn’t think it was possible for one word to hold so much power over a person but this one did. It always came up when you already were at your lowest, and it seemed to always weasel in as soon as a glimpse of happiness showed through. You had lived the last few years trying to ride out the middle ground of just being stable and well enough. You twisted your left arm and looked down at the physical reminders of how defective you were. 

“Hey that is my best friend you are talking about, and we agreed to not use the D word anymore. There is nothing wrong with you! [nickname], you just had shitty people treat you poorly for long enough that their terrible words got stuck in your beautiful brain. But they are the shitty broken people, not you! Anyways, its a dinner date, not an invitation for you to give a tell all presentation on your life. Please go, you deserve a break, and you deserve to do something that could make you happy” You weren’t sure you deserved anything, but you knew Sakusa didn’t deserve to deal with all your problems. You did really want to see him again, besides he had one of your books. 

“Fine. But only because I just read a really good article on antimicrobial resistance I want to tell him about”

“Starting the dirty talk at the table, I approve” You laughed and the tightness in your body released just a little bit. 

“Shut up, I need to get back to my research”

“I love you, and will be picking out your outfit on Tuesday”

“Yea whatever love you too” You hung up. You did love Aoi, she was the backbone you didn’t have, but she was always pushing you out of your comfort zone to help you calcify your own bit by bit. When others had left you or teased you she just let you be yourself. She didn’t always understand you but she didn't ask you to change either. You tried to focus on her positive words rather than your negative ones. You knew what she said was right, but that didn’t mean you believed it enough to turn off the switch in your brain repeating that word over and over. Taking a few deep breaths you clutched a pillow to your chest and curled up. 

_Defective, defective, defective, defective._

* * *

“You brought a girl back to your apartment? Like a real in person girl? This wasn’t like a facetime call?” Sakusa had given in and called his cousin when he got home. He wasn’t surprised with the response but it didn’t make it any less annoying. 

“Yes, a real girl. Human and everything”

“Did you make her wear a hazmat suit? Is that your kink?” Sakusa growled a little but then stopped to wonder what were your kinks. You had looked so cute and innocent looking up at him it just made him want to ruin you. He never considered himself much of a dominant man but just something about you gave him the want to claim every part of you for himself. 

“You’re making me regret calling you already”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was your roommate through high school and college though and not once did you ever bring a girl over. You wouldn’t even let me bring my girlfriends over! You were the biggest cock block in Tokyo” Komori wasn’t wrong, every woman Sakusa had been with, the grand total of four, had always been at their place. It kept them from touching his things, and it also gave him insight into the women. How could he trust someone with his heart if they didn’t even own bleach, what did they sanitize with ? 

“Your girlfriends all had the combined intelligence of a sea sponge, you’ll have to excuse me for not trusting their abilities to properly wash their hands.” 

“Oh and this girl is some genius?” Sakusa scoffed at the comment. You were brilliant and made every girl Komori had ever introduced him to look like the village idiot. He supposed Komori usually picked women based on sense of humor rather than intelligence, probably for the best since he wasn't sure his cousin could keep up in conversations too above his academic level. 

“She’s a PhD candidate in epidemiology, so yea.” Komori whistled in response making Sakusa smile a little. That's right he thought, his girl, if you were even slightly his girl, was the smartest. 

“No idea what that is but probably means she's smart. I didn’t realize you were into the whole book nerd thing. I guess I can’t be too surprised since I haven’t ever met anyone you dates” If only Komori knew. While Sakusa was well aware of your affinity for books based on the countless recommendations you had emailed him in the past week he would never say you looked traditionally bookish. 

“She does not look like a book nerd. She’s adorable.” Sakusa was tempted to call you a better suited word like enchanting, or breathtaking but he didn’t have time nor did he want to get into his entire otherworldly comparison he had mentally created for you. Adorable also wasn't wrong, it was all encompassing of you both looked and acted. 

“Whatever, so you’re taking her to dinner? What has this girl done to you to get you so far out of your comfort zone?” Sakusa considered the question, his cousin was right, he was bending all his own rules for a girl he just met. What had you done to him? Mostly terrorized him with information on foodborne illnesses, and then bewitched him with your doe eyes, not that he felt like sharing that information. 

“It doesn't matter. Just tell me how to ask her to be my girlfriend.”

“Why don’t you ask Atsumu, he’s probably dated half the girls in Osaka” He wondered if Atsumu had antibiotic resistant Gonorrhea by now, surely he was a prime candidate. He pocketed the thought for the next time his friend was an ass which would probably be their next practice. 

“Disgusting, I would rather die than ask him”

“Fine. Just do what you always do. Just ask her. If she likes you then surely she can’t be expecting some romantic gesture. At the end of the date just ask if she is interested in seeing you more often, and if she agrees ask her to be your girlfriend. It's not that complicated.”

“It's that simple?”

“Kiyoomi, it's literally just a word. It just means you're only dating each other. You aren't asking the girl to marry you.” He coughed a little. Was he taking this too seriously and worrying about nothing? 

“I guess”

“If she says yes you have to bring her to the match next week though. I want to see what kind of woman can entice my favorite cousin” No way in hell would he subject [Y/N] to his idiot cousin. 

“You aren’t meeting her”

“You are zero fun”

“Never claimed to be” Komori laughed on the other end of the phone. 

“Lame. Have fun, I hope to see her when we destroy you guys though.”

“Sure. Keep thinking that. Bye” Sakusa hung up the phone. He didn’t want to admit it but the call had been helpful. He did want to keep seeing you, and if you did continue, he wanted you to only be seeing him. It wasn’t that complicated, he could do this, he would make you his. He just needed to call in a small favor to his favorite twin first. 


	8. Onigiri and Chill

Between school work, thesis research, and your regular weekend deep clean of the apartment Tuesday came quickly. Well Tuesday morning at least, the actual day itself felt like it was going to last forever. By the time you finally made it to your last lecture of the day all you could think about was your date with Sakusa. How could you possibly be expected to focus on logarithmic regressions when in a few hours you would be at dinner, in public, with probably the most handsome man you had ever interacted with. He had texted you regularly the last few days but refused to let slip where you would be going, which was just truly frustrating. Normally when going to new places you would do some research, familiarize yourself with the menu, prepare mentally for what to expect. You supposed you could have explained this to him and he probably would have given in and told you, but you didn’t want him already deciding you were weird. The most you could get out of him was that it was a casual place, so at least that narrowed down your outfit choices. 

At this point you weren’t sure if you were excited about or dreading the date. There were just so many variables out of your control that it put your stomach into knots. You even considered cancelling, it wouldn’t be the first time you bowed out of a social engagement for these exact reasons. But then you thought about how much you enjoyed talking to Sakusa, and how sweet he had been to you. You decided you would go on this date even if it was a disaster and the most awkward night of your life. 

Your professor ended class a few minutes early so you quickly gathered your things and headed out the door. You didn’t bother to stop and speak with any of your classmates, you were pretty sure none of them would have interest in talking to you anyways. After sending Sakusa a quick text, letting him know you were on your way home and would be ready at 7:30 like you had discussed, you got on your bike and quickly went home. 

The fresh scent of your plug in wall diffuser hit you when you walked into your apartment. It was always the first piece of comfort every time you got home. Toeing off your shoes you slipped your bag into the coat closet and then headed to the bathroom for a speedy shower to wash off the day's grime. Once you felt clean and refreshed you called Aoi to help you get dressed. In all the years the two of you had been friends you had never gotten ready for a date alone. Who else would be there to help you pick out a lipstick ? After much debate you settled on a short sleeve black skater dress and your teal converse. You braided back your pink locks into two french braids ending each braid with elastics with small black bows. Since your outfit was casual you didn’t feel the need for a ton of makeup, you stuck with a quick winged eyeliner and some berry lipstick. When you received the text that Sakusa was outside in his car you gave yourself one last lookover in the mirror before sliding on your chucks and grabbing your purse. You really hoped that you looked okay, there was the distinct possibility that “casual” for a grad student was a very different definition than what a professional athlete might hold. 

When you walked out of your building you saw Sakusa leaning against the passenger side door of his car and you let out a sigh of relief. He was wearing jeans, a black v-neck and a leather jacket. He still looked model level handsome, but he didn’t seem to be dressed for a five course dinner. When he noticed you he gave you a devilish smirk and you couldn’t help but feel like he was taking in every inch of you with his eyes. You were still extremely nervous but seeing him calmed you just enough to not go running back into the safety of your apartment. Once you reached the car Sakusa pulled you into him and looked down at you smiling bigger. He was just so damn tall, you had to arch your back a bit to look up and make eye contact.

“Hey my little goddess. Ready to have a good night ?” Your heart skipped a little as Sakusa bent down and gently kissed your forehead. You hummed out an affirmation and tried to control your body from shaking. Great, now you were both nervous and weak in the knees. Thankfully he opened the door and ushered you into the car so you could sit down. 

“Are you going to let me know where we are going now?” You looked over at him as he got in on the drivers side. Sakusa gave you a quick wink and smiled before putting the car in drive. 

“Ah, just a friend’s place. It might not surprise you much but I don’t go out to eat too often. He is one of the few chefs I trust because I know his food handling practices.” He was right, it didn’t surprise you. This was the man you met because he called you at the health department to ask about any outbreak alerts. You smiled as you thought about the past week since that phone call, you definitely did not imagine yourself being in the car with the angry hypochondriac. 

“Yeah if only there were professionals who spent their entire livelihoods investigating restaurants to ensure their food handling practices were safe. And if only those investigations were publicly available” You stuck your tongue out at Sakusa, to make sure that you were conveying a teasing tone and not actually judging his concerns. 

“Those only show if the food handling was safe that day though” He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Perhaps but the inspections are always a surprise”

“What if they pay off the inspectors?” You made a dramatic gasp at the question. 

“Are you suggesting that my respected colleagues at the department of health could be paid off?”

“Yes” You giggled, you honestly wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. 

“Yeah probably, the foodborne disease guys all sort of seem like misogynistic jerks. I don’t really go out to eat either but it’s more so just because it can be a little … I guess… scary?” You fought the urge to scratch at your left arm and almost gave in before you felt Sakusa gently grab hold of it. He slowly rubbed circles with his thumb on the inside of your wrist. 

“Well I promise this dinner will be limited in the fear factor. Also as promised, no pigs”

“Perfect” The two of you drove in content silence for a few more minutes before pulling down a street of a familiar area that was popular among university students. 

“Okay we are here”

Sakusa parked the car behind a strip of buildings, this was clearly the back of the restaurant. He opened your door and helped you out of the car. You wondered if you should keep his hand in yours or if you should drop it. The decision was made for you though as he squeezed your twice and then laced your fingers together. Following behind him you were led into the back doors of a modern looking space and then into a large industrial kitchen. He had mentioned the place being owned by a friend but you didn’t expect to be taken into the kitchen. In the kitchen a few workers busily prepared sushi rice and various fillings. 

“Oi Osamu, are you ready for us?” Sakusa called out towards the workers in the kitchen. 

“Ah, yea back here” A familiar looking man answered back and stepped towards the two of you. He was almost as tall as Sakusa and gestured for you to follow him. You held onto Sakusa’s hand a little tighter as you followed the man into a small room with a stainless steel counter and two stools pulled up to it. “Welcome to Onigiri-Miya, I’m Osamu Miya. I heard you met my brother at the game the other night'' It then clicked in your mind, this must be the brother of that one blonde player who invited you to the after game celebration. You also felt relieved to learn where you were, you knew this restaurant, you often ordered their onigiri as takeout when you were too tired to make anything. You had never actually visited it before in person but you knew you would be enjoying the evening's food. 

“Oh… uh.. Yes. Thanks. I’m um [fullname]. It’s nice to meet you. ” You tried to smile and not give off the air of being the world's most awkward human. He laid down two menus on the counter and left. Sakusa pulled out one of the stools for you, helping you push it in before settling into the one on the opposite side of the counter. You sanitized your hands and then picked up the menu while racking your brain of what you should say. Luckily, Sakusa beat you to the punch. 

“I know you don’t love crowds so I called in a favor. They use this room to prepare large orders usually so we won't have to deal with any extra people besides Osamu. Plus it's kept extremely clean. '' You smiled at him. This was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for you. Normally you just bit your cheek and tried to focus on whoever you were out with rather than being distracted by the near crippling anxiety in your brain. 

“Thanks, honestly I was really nervous about tonight. I don’t really do this so I potentially spent most of the last few days freaking out. Not about spending time with you of course, I wanted to do that ! I just, uh, am not super great at social stuff and like going out. I didn’t want to look like an anxious freak in front of you.” You weren't sure why you were telling him all this. There was just something about Sakusa’s presence that put you at ease. Not at ease enough to not be a blushing mess though. 

“Well you never have to feel nervous around me for that, because I don’t think I will ever think of you as anything besides my genius little goddess. Honestly, I don’t do the whole social scene usually either. I get dragged out for drinks after games with my friends sometimes but beyond that I rarely go out. Now how about you tell me all about your thesis research you worked on this weekend. You promised you would since it was too much to text” You felt your muscles relax when you looked up to see him giving you a faint smile, staring at you with interest. Thinking to yourself, you decided this date wouldn’t be too scary.

* * *

Once you both finished your onigiri you continued sitting at the counter discussing various topics revolving around your research. Sakusa stared intently as you passionately went on about the different types of vaccines. He loved the sparkle you got in your eyes as you got lost down the rabbit hole of your favorite topics. You just seemed so genuinely excited to have someone listen to you, and he found what you had to say extremely interesting. Looking down at his watch he noted that it was now past 9 and knew the shop would be closing soon but he wasn’t ready to give you up for the night yet. 

“We should probably head out so they can clean up the room. Is there anything else you want to do tonight?” Sakusa smiled at you, cocking his head in question. He hoped he could convince you to come back to his apartment again tonight but didn’t want to flat out invite you over. 

“Oh right, sorry you should have cut me off. I have been rambling forever. Uhmm… if you wanted we could go watch a movie or something at my place if that’s something you would be sort of maybe interested in? Not that there's anything wrong with your place of course! Just mind is closer and then you wouldn't have to worry about taking me home and stuff. If that's okay.” Sakusa laughed to himself as he watched you bite your lip and look up at him. You were too cute when you were flustered, he knew you would be the death of him, plus he supposed that he was curious to see your apartment. 

“Sure, that sounds good” Pushing himself out of his seat he walked around the table to help you down as well. With a hand on the small of your waist he led you out of the restaurant and back out to his car. 

Sakusa drove you back to your building, parking along the street after you assured him it was fine since it wasn’t a weekend. He followed you into the older brick building and towards your apartment. Walking into your apartment the first thing he took note of were the bookshelves completely filled, with stacks of books sitting on top of them as well. He knew you liked to read but he wasn’t expecting you to practically own a library. The place felt like you though somehow. It was small and sweet looking and smelled like clean laundry. He also noticed that it seemed very clean despite being filled with so many things. The apartment seemed full but not quite cluttered. You turned to look at him and nervously smiled at him while playing with your braids. He held back a groan, wondering how it was possible for you to be this fucking cute.

“So... this is my apartment. Its uhh... a lot smaller than yours but I like it, its cozy. Do you want a tour?” You looked up at his with your big eyes and twisted back and forth a bit so the skirt of your dress twirled just enough that he got a peak at the tattoos on your thighs. 

“Of course” Sakusa followed behind you as you walked into a small kitchen. He noted the comforting smell of bleach and completely spotless counters. Clearly, you kept the area extremely clean. 

“Uh so this is the kitchen, I sort of suck at cooking but I like to bake, play your cards right and you might get some cookies”

“Oh? And how do I play my cards right?” Sakusa walked up behind you and teasingly put his arms around your waist. He would have loved to just pick you up and put you on the counter to take you right there but he just couldn't ruin such clean granite. 

“Hmmm… extra snuggles and forehead kisses probably” He thought about how he would happily hold you in bed for as long as you wanted. Honestly, the night you had slept over was some of the most restful sleep Sakusa had had in ages. 

“I think I can handle that” You wiggled out of his arms and walked back out of the kitchen and into the rest of the apartment.

“Okay and this is my living space, uh these are my non fiction books. The fiction section is in my bedroom.” 

“You mean there are more?”

“Oh, um, yea. I like books. Is that weird?” Sakusa watched as your face fell a little. 

“No of course not, I've just never seen anyone have so many.” You instantly brightened back up. Grabbing his hand you dragged Sakusa into a small cozy bedroom where he noticed that the bookshelves took up more space than your bed or closet. 

“Ah. Well this is my bedroom, and these are the rest of my books.” The sheer amount was impressive. He wondered if you had actually read all of them, and if so how you found the time. 

“Okay, yeah you have a lot. Still not weird though. I think its sexy how smart you are” Your cheeks grew red at the notion of you being called sexy and smart in the same remark. 

“I’m not that smart trust me” You looked down and played with the bow on your braid.

“Well you're the smartest person I’ve met so I get to call you smart”

“Grrr… nooo. Who said you’re in charge” Sakusa’s eyes darkened a little as he grabbed your jaw with his large hand and placed a kiss on your forehead. 

“Hmmm… I did.”

“Oh.”

Sakusa leaned down and took your lips with his own. He wasted little time pulling you into him and deepening the kiss, with his tongue mingling with yours. Reaching down he grabbed a handful of your plush ass, he had been thinking about it for days now. You were so soft and supple he needed his hands all over you right then. Carefully and without breaking the kiss he backed you up until your legs hit your bed. He pushed you back and climbed on top of you. The blush on your cheeks had started spreading down your neck and he assumed your chest as well. Slowly he slid his hands up your thighs, watching you squirm at his tickling touch as he pulled your dress up and off your body. 

* * *

Nearly naked and laying on your bed you felt a mixture of arousal and anxiety. You wanted him to completely ravage you but it was also hard to shut out your self conscious thoughts. The lights were brightly on and he was a professional athlete. Sure you had already slept with him but right then you felt keenly aware of how naked you were and how athletic he was. 

“Fuck, I wish I could look at you all day” You felt your flush deepen in embarrassment. He was staring at you so hard that you figured surely he could see all the flaws of your body. 

“Stop, I mean thanks... but I’m not... like... ya know” You watched as his eyes darkened making him seem even more sultry than before if that were possible. He teased at the band of your lace bralette before pulling it up and off leaving you now only in your lace thong. Goosebumps rose on your chest and you gasped as the cold hit your now exposed nipples. 

“I thought we established I was in charge. If I say you’re beautiful then you’re beautiful. Got it ?” He palmed your breasts and slowly began to tease at your nipples while you squirmed at his touch. 

“But” Sakusa stopped you with a hard kiss before pulling away. 

“Nope, no disagreeing. Just let me enjoy you and worship my little goddess okay?” He looked down at you with tender eyes and you tried to relax your brain a bit. You wanted to believe his words and trust him.

“O..Okay” You bit your lip and nodded to him. 

Sakusa smiled but his face then changed into a more devilish smirk as he began to pull down the last strip of clothing you had left. Now with you completely naked below him, he lowered himself down between your legs and began to kiss up and down the insides of your thighs. You felt your core heat up as he began to slowly drag his tongue along your folds and then up to your clit. Unable to control yourself, you bucked slightly as he lightly sucked on your most sensitive zone, letting out soft moans. As he slowly eased a long finger into your entrance you felt as you could hear how wet you were with arousal for him. As your moans increased in volume, Sakusa increased his efforts, adding a second finger, plunging them deep in you. He curled them up, hitting you just so that you let eyes rolled and your toes curled. Laughing he looked up at you.

“You look so cute all flustered like that. Do you want to be a good girl and cum for me?”

“Please. Harder. I… I… I want to cum” It was hard to get the words out as your brain swirled with the pleasure of his tongue still lapping at your clit. 

He laughed again and then went back to work. His middle and pointer fingers seemed almost magnetically attracted to your g-spot as they continued rubbing against it hard. You gripped the blanket beneath you and strained your neck as you felt yourself near your peak. Your moans started to become more high pitch with ragged breathing between them. Sakusa must have known you were so close as he managed to begin going even faster and sucked harder on your clit. He pushed his tongue down hard on your bud and you let out a silent scream. You felt the coil of your desire snap and your vision went white with pleasure. Breathing hard, you felt the rush run through every inch of your body as he continued fucking you with his fingers through your orgasm. Finally he stopped, he pulled out his fingers and your body went limp. Sakusa pushed his body up and kissed your forehead before getting off the bed and running out the door. _What the actual fuck._

You sat up when you heard your front door open and close. _Did he just make me cum and then leave? Wait did I taste bad? Oh my god, I was so gross down there that he had to leave and throw up._ Your mind swirled through every possibility of what the hell could be going on, none of them were positive. You laid back down and groaned. You wondered if he just got you off because he felt bad for you for being so lame. _Of course, fucking of course. Typical. I was right. He doesn't like me. I am just going to lay here and die of embarrassment now._ Right before you completely committed to your life being over you heard the door open back up and Sakusa running back down the hall into the room. You opened your eyes and looked over at Sakusa as he stripped down. He then bent over and smoothly picked you up much to your shock.

“Where did you go? What are we doing?” Your body was still reeling from the intense orgasm so you didn’t have it in you to fight him. 

“Ah, sorry. I went to grab my gym bag that has extra clothes in it from my car because we are going to get cleaned up.” You briefly considered yelling at him for not telling you that was what he was doing, but then you would have to admit your insecurities of what you thought had happened. You decided it was just best to let it go, but then why was he wanting to go take a shower. Did he not want you to return the favor? 

“You don’t want me to get you off?”

“Maybe later, I just really wanted to do that. Besides, didn't you want to watch a movie?” You smiled as he held you to his chest a little tighter. Why was he being so sweet to you? 

“Oh, um okay. That sounds nice. But you know you don’t have to carry me to the shower everytime right? ”

After getting cleaned up you both slipped into comfier clothes. You put on your favorite oversized t-shirt from college and Sakusa put on some loose sweatpants. Together you made a complete lazy person’s outfit which made you giggle. You jumped back onto your bed and pulled up Netflix on your laptop. He sat up against your headboard and tugged you close to him so that your back was against his chest. Kissing the top of your head he wrapped both arms around your middle as you snuggled back into your chest.

“You have too many pillows.” You wondered how five was too many and then you remembered his single pillow on his huge bed. 

“Oh… well I like to snuggle into them. It's cozy.”

“You can snuggle into me.” Sakusa pulled you in tighter and rested his chin on your shoulder, turning to give your cheek a quick kiss. 

“Well mister, this is the first time you've been here so that hasn’t been an option”

“Then let’s make it an option more often” You blushed hard. It was true that you wanted to see Sakusa more but you had a hard time wrapping your mind around him sharing your affections. 

“I think I would like that”

“Yea? Well then maybe you should be more girlfriend” Choking back a gasp you tried to formulate what to say. He wanted to be your boyfriend? This fucking model looking professional athlete wanted to date you, the bacteria nerd? What does someone even say to that? You took a deep breath and reminded yourself to play it cool. You must have something going for you if he was asking.

“Hmmm… Could I call you Kiyoomi?” 

“If you wanted”

“Would I get extra kisses?” He responded with another kiss to your cheek making you giggle. 

“All of the kisses my little goddess could ever want.”

“Welllllll… I guess I could be okay with that. But only on one condition.”

“Okay, what's that?”

“Stay and be my pillow tonight. I don’t have class till the afternoon” You smiled, Sakusa Kiyoomi was going to be your boyfriend. The handsome man who let you ramble about diseases and gave you mind altering orgasms. Perhaps being just a tiny bit social wasn't quite so bad. 

“Deal, now pick a movie.” He kissed your forehead and settled back against the pillows. Your cheeks warm with adoration, you were happy. 


	9. Komori is a Devil and Akaashi is an Angel

The next week went by smoothly for you two. Despite being busy with your school work and his practices you managed to make time for each other for nightly phone calls as well as another sleepover at your apartment. Thursday night you were laying on your bed studying for an exam you have the following week when you got a facetime call from Sakusa. The possibility of it being a pocket dial crossed your mind since it was earlier than when you had planned to talk that night. Also, you normally were the one who initiated the calls at your proposed time to limit some of your phone anxiety. You considered ignoring the call, but you answered just in case. You wanted to see his face anyways since it had been a few days since he had last stayed over. 

“Hey, I didn’t think you would be home yet from practice” You looked down at the screen at three faces who were decidedly not Sakusa. Before you could question what was going on the grey haired spiker spoke up.

“Hi [Y/N]!! Omi-kun is in the shower and we stole his phone!” The one you recognized as Bokuto excitedly announced to you. 

“Shut up! You weren’t supposed to tell her that we stole the phone.” Atsumu hit Bokuto on the head causing the larger spiker’s face and hair to fall. The setter then looked back at you with a smirk. “Hey sweetheart, you’re looking awfully cute today. Awe are you laying on your bed, that's even--” Hinata pushed Atsumu away, taking the phone so it was just him talking to you now. You were still extremely confused but thankful to now only be dealing with one phone thief.

“Don’t be creepy Atsu, she’s Omi-San’s girlfriend. Sorry about him, he likes flirting with everyone. Anyways! We wanted to make sure you were invited to hangout after our game tomorrow ! We are playing Kiyoomi’s cousin Komori’s team and he texted Atsumu saying he really wanted to meet you and asked if we could try and convince you since he didn’t think Omi-san would ask you” Hinata smiled brightly up at you through the phone. Sakusa had already invited you to come watch his match but hadn’t mentioned that his cousin was on the opposing team. Truthfully, you didn’t even know he had a cousin let alone one that also played professional volleyball. You had only been dating Sakusa for a week and since you didn't want to discuss your own family you must have subconsciously never asked him about his. Does that make you a bad girlfriend? Were you already messing this up? Honestly hanging out with a group of strangers sounded actively terrifying to you but you didn’t want Sakusa to miss out on spending time with his cousin and friends because of you. Biting your lip you replied.

“Umm.. Sounds fun. I’ll tell Sakusa I want to hang out with you all. But I really need to go sorry!” You quickly hung up the call and threw yourself against the mass of pillows behind you. What had you just agreed to? How were you supposed to handle impressing so many new people at once? Sakusa was totally going to see how horrible and awkward you were now for sure. No! You decided you could do this damnit. You could be normal for one night, it might take some liquid courage but you could do this. For Sakusa’s sake you would bite your tongue and suffer through. You sent him a quick message saying you were interested in meeting his friends after the match and that you were going to go ahead and go to sleep so there wasn’t a need to call you. It was always much easier to lie over text than the phone. You just hoped that you could actually get some sleep now knowing what the next evening would bring. 

* * *

Sakusa was extremely surprised when you told him you were interested in meeting his friends after his match. He knew you were shy and uncomfortable in crowded public places so he wasn’t even going to bother asking you to go out afterwards. Honestly he was looking forward to having you all to himself at his apartment since it had been a few days since he had gotten to hold you. However, since you were the one who suggested it he wasn’t about to say no. You probably could have asked to go to Paris after the match and he would have at least considered it. 

Walking down the hall to the Jackals locker room to get ready Sakusa heard a familiar voice yelling down the hallway at him.

“Hey lover boy! Are you ready to lose ?” Sure enough when he turned around, there in his yellow EJP uniform was his cousin smirking at him. Komori and Sakusa had spent their entire lives together so it wasn’t until going pro that they were given the opportunity to be rivals. Now that they finally were playing on opposite sides of the court Komori really seemed to love trash talk. As much as it peeved Sakusa, the trash talk wasn’t entirely unfounded since his cousin was one of the few players in the league who could get a clean bump off of the wicked spin on his serves. Stupid oversized libero. 

“No Motoya, we will beat you, same as last time” Sakusa gave his cousin a deadpan look, he was not about to let on that he felt there was any possibility of losing. 

“I don’t know about that, Suna is back from injury leave so our defense is full tonight unlike last time.” Komori leaned against the wall smirking. Sakusa had forgotten that Atsumu’s old teammate had been out with a twisted wrist during the last match. That annoying middle blocker could prove to be an issue since what he lacked in height he made up for with intuition and speed.

“Doesn’t matter who is playing, we are superior” Sakusa lived by the ideal of not showing weakness to opponents, even when those opponents were cousins who knew more about him than his siblings. He straightened up trying to take advantage of the few inches he had on his cousin, which only led to Komori raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Oh how I have missed your blunt confidence cousin. Sooo… the girl, is she here?” Sakusa felt his ears redden a bit at the thought of you sitting in the stands waiting to watch him play. You had texted him a picture of your outfit earlier. He looked forward to seeing you in the short floral dress and noticed that your hair was braided around your head in the shape of a crown like the day you met you. His little goddess of spring ready to cheer him on. 

“Yes she plans to come” 

“And do I get to meet this miracle worker” Komori smiled far too big for Sakusa’s taste. He would happily not have you meet the one person who knew all of his embarrassing stories from childhood. However, you did say you wanted to join his friends for their after game hangout and since some of his friends' former teammates were also on EJP it was likely Komori would be included in the plans. Sakusa released a sigh. 

“I guess, I’m sure Bokuto already invited you to his apartment after the game.” 

“He did, Suna and Washio were invited too. I just wanted to hear it from you” Komori winked at Sakusa with too much amusement.

“Right, well just don't… embarrass me.” As soon as he said it Sakusa knew it was a mistake, he should have never planted the idea in Komori’s head.

“Me? Embarrass my most beloved cousin? Never!” Sakusa gritted his teeth, fuck why did it have to be this game you wanted to join his friends after. 

“I know where you live and will not bat an eye about murdering you”

“Settle down, how about this. If we win I get to tell her about the lizard incident” Sakusa gulped. He would rather die than let you know about the same of that terrible day.

“Fuck no”

“But I thought you were for sure going to win?” Komori had caught Sakusa in a trap of his own egotistical confidence. This is the trouble with family he thought, they know you to will and can use that against you. 

“Ugh fine whatever! But we aren't losing so it won't matter” It took everything in his power to keep from letting his eye twitch. 

“Excellent, see you on the court cuz!”

Sakusa watched as Komori giddily walked off towards the guest locker rooms, and he considered the easiest way to kill him. Surely grandma wouldn’t mind that much if he wasn’t at New Year’s dinner. 

* * *

You arrived a little earlier to the match, hopeful to settle your nerves a bit with some breathing and mind prep. It also gave you time to study the program for information on the players you knew you would be spending time with that night. While you might suck at socializing, you knew research always made it a little easier. You were reading through the profile on Bokuto when a tall dark haired man around your age took the seat beside you. He honestly looked like he himself could be a volleyball player.

“Those profiles are wrong, Bokuto actually is a centimeter shorter than that and his favorite movie is Finding Nemo not Die Hard.” You looked over at the man, he was smiling at you and his crystal blue eyes sparkled a little. He didn’t seem threatening and his voice was soft and playful. You attempted a response but was still a little startled with his sudden intrusion into your important Sakusa’s friends research. “Ah sorry for not introducing myself first. I am Akaashi Keji, Bokuto is my partner. He mentioned that Sakusa’s girlfriend would be here, you’re [Y/N] right?”

“Oh uh, yes that's me I guess. And nice to meet you” You mentally berated yourself for your awkward reply but tried to put on an outward smile. If this man was Bokuto’s partner that probably meant you would be spending the rest of the evening with him. Your attempt at a good impression had to start now.

“You’re going to be hanging out with us after right? One of our old teammates plays for EJP and will be joining as well” Great you thought, even more people.

“Oh yea, I guess that's the plan” You internally screamed.  _ Stop saying ‘I Guess’ [Y/N]. He is going to think you’re an idiot who doesn't know their own name let alone their own evening plans!!  _ Akaashi must have picked up on your discomfort or something since his smile changed from playful to much warmer, maybe even nurturing?

  
  


“Don’t worry. I will try and keep things calm. I don’t enjoy crazy nights. I think we are just going to our apartment, we will probably just drink some wine and catch up. So [Y/N], how did you meet Sakusa?” You felt yourself become more comfortable in his presence with each moment that passed. Wine and catching up at their apartment didn’t sound too terrible. It at least was a vast improvement from the night out at a club you feared.

“Ah, I am an epidemiology grad student and my sweet boyfriend is a hypochondriac germaphobe who called the health department and yelled at me” Akaashi laughed at your wording which made you feel pretty good.  _ Sweet I made him laugh. See I can do this. People don’t have to be scary. _

“I may never understand straight relationships. It looks like the match is starting. Please ask any questions you might have. I heard you don’t know much about volleyball and I will happily explain” You giggled and made the decision then that Akaashi was your guardian angel of the evening. 

  
  


The match went by way faster than you would have liked since it meant the inevitable social hangout that you had brought upon yourself. The jackals won 5-4, but even with your limited volleyball knowledge you could tell this was a much closer game than the last one you had previously attended. It seemed that two teams went point for point the entire way through. Specifically you noticed that Sakusa scored less this match than the last one. Akaashi theorized it was because Komori, Sakusa’s cousin who he kindly pointed out for you, was the libero. He figured that since they played together for so long there was probably no better player in the league than him to counter Sakusa’s weird spin. It made sense to you in theory but you really hoped it didn’t mean there would be bad energy between the cousins afterwards. You were already nervous, the last thing you wanted was to have to also be afraid of someone being angry.

Once the crowd began exiting the arena Akaashi led you down the hall you had been in before to wait for the players. Throughout the game you decided you adored Akaashi, he was soft spoken but rather funny and just generally nice. Perhaps if all new people you met were more like him you wouldn’t be so petrified of socialization. The two of you stood outside the locker room discussing literature while you waited. When you learned he worked in publishing you about had a stroke from excitement, finally someone to discuss books with! You were surprised to learn that he even enjoyed a lot of the same fiction as you and even gave you some really good recommendations. While in the middle of excitedly comparing notes on who your favorite fantasy trilogy love interest was, you felt warm arms wrap around you from behind. Your body jumped instinctively and then went limp as to collapse onto the ground now only being held up by the arms on your waist. You really hated that stupid fear reflex, if it weren't the twenty first century you would surely have died. You heard a familiar deep chuckle and your cheeks went warm, it was Sakusa.

“Kiyoomi, don't sneak up on me!!” You tried to scrunch your face up to look angry but your boyfriend just laughed more and held you tighter to him. Even Akaashi was laughing now, that damn traitor, maybe you would have to rethink your newfound friendship. 

“I forgot you collapse when you’re startled. But don’t complain, you look cute like this” He stood you up onto your feet and made sure you had your balance back before releasing you to stand by your side with his arm securely around your waist. 

“You thought I looked cute when I had toothpaste drool on my face so I’m not sure I trust your eyesight” You stuck your tongue out at Sakusa who just smirked back before bending down and kissing your cheek which just made your face turn bright red with embarrassment. Did he have to do that in front of Akaashi?

More players began streaming out of the locker rooms including the trio from the phone call as well as three players from the opposing team who were introduced to you as Suna, Washio, and Sakusa’s cousin Komori. Anxiety filled your body as you were surrounded by the tall players and you shrunk into Sakusa’s side gripping tightly to his shirt. He must have noticed your discomfort because he began gently rubbing his thumb along your side and tightened his grip just a tad. Your group headed out towards the parking lot to make your way to Bokuto and Akaashi’s apartment for drinks. It was decided that Komori would drive with the two of you though you noticed Sakusa looked peeved about the decision.

“Um I really think you should get the front seat Komori, you’re probably at least a foot taller than me” You pleaded with the much taller man. It seemed silly for him to be crowded into the back seat when it was no big problem for you to sit back there. 

“No no no, it’s completely fine. Besides, I don’t think Omi would allow it even if I accepted” Komori waved you off and got into the back. With a sigh you let Sakusa open the door for you and sunk into the passenger seat of the front. 

“He’s fine in the backseat. Just don’t touch anything” Sakusa seemed much firmer than how he normally spoke and you worried that the rivalry from the match was making them angry with each other. But Komori just laughed at his cousin's remark and bit back at him.

“You don’t even have anything back here to touch”

“The seats”

“How can I not touch the seats if I am sitting back here”

“Figure it out” You watched the back and forth and noted that they squabble more like brothers than cousins. You supposed if they were teammates for as long as Akaashi had said that it made sense that they were so close. 

“Fine. So [Y/N], is my cousin this rude with you? Surely he isn’t otherwise you never would have agreed to go out with him.” Distracted by watching the two bicker it took a moment for you to realize that Komori was addressing you. 

“Oh ummm no I don't think so. Kiyoomi is always very sweet to me. I guess he did make me a little nervous to begin with but most things make me nervous so that's not really a fair piece of evidence against him.” Looking down at your feet you nervously scratched at your arm before Sakusa took you wrist and pulled your arm towards his side of the car. 

“I see. Well good. If he ever gives you a hard time let me know and I’ll beat him up.” Sakusa let out a choked laugh.

“I would never be rude to her. Plus you can’t beat me up, you shouldn't lie to her. 

Their light arguing went on like that the rest of the way to the apartment complex with a few questions thrown your way here and there. Komori seemed friendly and upbeat and generally likeable. While you couldn't really tell there was a familial relation based on appearance or mannerisms the two cousins did swipe at each other back and forth like brothers so it was clear to you they were close. You learned that they even roomed together in both high school and college. When you reached your destination Komori beat Sakusa to your door to help you out of the car which led to him getting a firm smack to the back of the head from your boyfriend. Komori didn’t seem to phased though and just smirked at his cousin. After checking with you one final time whether you really wanted to do this, with your confirmation, Sakusa took your hand and led your group up to the apartment. 

* * *

Sakusa generally enjoyed spending time with Komori but right now he wanted to shove his dear cousin off of the nearest cliff. How dare he imply that Sakusa would ever be rude to you. Sure he scared you a few times but that was just because you were jumpy not because he was mean right? And then he had to show him up by being all gentlemanly and helping you out of the car? Sakusa would really have preferred to spend the night curled up on the couch watching nature documentaries with you but you kept insisting that this was what you wanted. He couldn’t help but notice that your body language didn’t seem to match your words though. You had said you were sure you wanted to do this, but then why were you clinging to him so tightly and making yourself so small. The moment you entered Bokuto’s apartment you practically morphed your entire body into Sakusa’s side. He knew you didn’t love socializing and were easily intimidated so he wondered if it was possible that you were doing this for his benefit? But why? Had he not made it clear that he would rather spend the night in with you anyways. 

Apparently your discomfort wasn’t unnoticed by others either since Akaashi kept trying to make conversation with you. Sakusa felt as your body relaxed against him a bit as you began once again discussing literature with the ex-setter. Sakusa hadn’t himself had many conversations with Bokuto’s partner but he knew he was a smart man in the publishing business. Akaashi always seemed pleasant enough, honestly Sakusa wasn’t sure how such a soft spoken man had ended up with the worlds loudest idiot. Perhaps it was all a balancing act, now that he thought about Bokuto was the only one of his friends who was actually in a long term relationship. What a strange world he lived in that the dumb owl actually might know more about relationships than him. Distracted by his inner musings Sakusa almost missed you squeezing out of his grasp to follow Akaashi, apparently he was going to show you his library. 

Watching you walk away he couldn’t help but stare a little too long at your plush curves. Was it necessary for you to wear such a cute dress around all his friends? He wished you would save such outfits for just him so he didn’t have to fight off thoughts of pushing it up when he was around everyone else. Feeling a slap on his back Sakusa turned around to see Komori and Bokuto smiling at him.

“I have zero idea how you managed it but I like her. She is extremely out of your league Omi.” Not that he would ever admit it but Sakusa was happy that his cousin liked you. Although he couldn’t imagine anyone not liking you, you were a beautiful genius.

“Ah Moto, be nice to him. But I mean yea she seems super cool, and Akaashi talked about her the whole drive home. He really liked sitting with her. Maybe we can go on a double date Omi-Omi!! Wouldn't that be fun?” The idea of sharing you with Bokuto for an evening made him cringe. What on earth could his little goddess and this idiot both enjoy doing?

“Er, that sounds like hell. Maybe I just want to spend time alone with my girlfriend. Besides she doesn’t like being around so many people.”

“Hmm. Yea she does seem shy, but you don’t like crowds either. Though I don’t think being at Bokuto’s apartment with just a handful of your closest friends counts as a crowd.” Sakusa wasn’t surprised that Komori picked up on your shyness. He had years of experience dealing with the socially awkward after all. 

“Maybe but I just don’t want her to get overwhelmed”

“Awe wait does my dear cousin actually have a heart? I thought you dissolved it with bleach years ago”

“Shut up you idiot”

“Whatever. Just treat her well. I do want you to be happy you know that right?” Eye twitching, Sakusa clenched his teeth. He could take snark and insults but heartfelt words, that was uncomfortable. Of course he appreciated them but it’s not like he could say that to Komori.

“Yea whatever. Go away.” 

“Love you to Omi!!” Komori laughed and smacked Sakusa on the back again before turning to the kitchen to fill up his empty cup.

“So the double date?” For a moment Sakusa had forgotten Bokuto was there, a feat in itself since the man essentially radiated ‘look at me’ energy. He knew his friend wouldn’t let the idea of the double date go so easily. 

“Ugh I don't know, ask her.”

“Okay let's go Omi!! I think they are in Keji’s study looking at his books!! He has so many I don't know how he reads them all”

Bokuto led the way to Akaashi’s study where they found you sitting on the floor happily nursing a glass of red wine and looking through a pile of books while Akaashi sat at his desk on his laptop. 

“You two know there is a small party out in the living room right?” Bokuto spoke up, spooking you to the point of almost dropping your wine glass. Sakusa considered smacking his friend but he decided it wasn’t worth the effort. 

“Oh my gosh I am so sorry Bokuto. I am so rude. I asked to see Akaashi’s latest books. I didn’t mean to avoid everyone. You two must think I’m the worst guest ever” You were clearly flustered, causing both Sakusa and Akaashi to give Bokuto sharp looks. 

“[Y/N] it’s fine. I was the one who wanted to show you the books. Plus it didn’t really seem like you wanted to deal with all those loud idiots. I am much happier here anyways.” Sakusa was actually thankful for Akaashi taking you back into the study. He was worried about you being stressed out by his friends but seeing you on the floor happily drinking wine surrounded by books he knew you were in good hands. Bokuto however clearly didn’t understand the purpose of the two of you spending time in the study.

“Ahhhh Keji!! You don’t wanna spend time with me???” Akaashi gave his partner a blank stare.

“Kou.. we live together. I spend all the time with you”

“Oh yea! Well I was telling Omi that we should all go on a double date !! Wouldn’t that be fun!! Maybe we could go to an amusement park!” The thought of sitting on the grimey seats of a roller coaster flashed through Sakusa’s mind sending a chill through his body.

“No those places are disgusting”

“Oh ummm… I am afraid of heights… maybe something else?” Sakusa added heights to the list of your fears he had mentally begun keeping. 

“[Y/N] and I are going to get brunch on Sunday so she and I can come up with an idea then how does that sound?” 

“You want to go to brunch without me?” Sakusa bit his tongue as he thought the same thing. No, he refused to have the same thought process as Bokuto. 

“We are going to be discussing Russian literature. I was unaware that was a hidden passion of yours.”

“But I like French toast”

“Kou go back out to the guests and entertain them. We are enjoying ourselves don't worry” Bokuto whined but listened to Akaashi and left the study to return to the party. Akaashi looked at Sakusa expectedly as if giving him permission to go as well. 

“Are you okay in here [Y/N]?” You smiled up at Sakusa, those sweet eyes going straight to his heart. 

“Yup! Akaashi has a bunch of books that have just hit shelves that I haven’t gotten a chance to check out yet! He has such a cool job!” Sakusa noted your giggling and relaxed state, he wondered what glass of wine you were on at that point. 

“Okay if you need me come find me little one”

“Okay have fun with your friends”

Leaving you in the study Sakusa was a little disappointed that you would rather spend the evening with books and Akaashi than with him. When he walked back into the living space he completely understood and agreed with your decision. Atsumu and Hinata had set up beer pong on the kitchen island and were playing against Suna and Osamu. Loud curses and insults were hurled back and forth between the pairs while Komori and Washio watched amused with the events in front of them. Bokuto excitedly bounced over to the group and asked to play next game with Washio. Sakusa gave his cousin a death stare to very clearly get the message across to not even consider asking him to play. Besides he was driving, there was no way he would let some stranger take him home because he got drunk playing beer pong. Instead he settled his back against the counter and watched his friends judgmentally, they might have all been idiots but they were at least amusing. 

After a few rounds and quite a few heated arguments Akaashi came out of the study and walked up to Sakusa. 

“[Y/N] fell asleep on the couch in the study. She’s welcome to spend the night but it might hurt her back in the morning if she sleeps there. Do you want me to wake her up so you can take her home?” Sakusa surveyed his friends around him. He didn’t want you to spend the night here without him, and he sure as hell didn’t want to spend the night himself. 

“I’ll go get her. She’s had a long day.”

“Yea it seems like socializing takes a lot out of her” 

“Oh… Uh yea it does. Thanks for letting her hangout in your study”

“It’s really no problem. It was refreshing to spend some time with someone who can hold a conversation about something other than cut shots”

“Right well, thanks”

Sakusa walked into the study to find you curled up on the chaise lounge. You looked so sweet with the soft light of the reading lamp illuminating your face. Unable to help himself, Sakusa took out his phone and took a picture. He needed this as evidence should he ever need to prove your ethereal beauty to you. Afraid of waking you up Sakusa gently hooked his arms under your legs and back and pulled you up and against his chest. Carrying you out into the kitchen his friends all shut up when they noticed you asleep in his arms.

“Are you going to take sleeping beauty home?” Komori asked as he noticed his cousin heading out.

“Yea, I’ll see you later”

“Alright have a good night Omi”

Sakusa knew you were a deep sleeper but was still impressed that he managed to carry you to the car, drive to his apartment, and carry you up to his bedroom all without waking up. He even somehow maneuvered you out of your clothes and into one of his old Itachiyama shirts. Of course as soon as he had you placed on his bed you began to rouse just the slightest. Sakusa pushed the hair out of your face and kissed your forehead. You opened your eyes just enough to take in the surroundings and then curled back up, burying your face into the pillow you were resting on.

“Omi, did you buy a second pillow just for me?”


	10. Fuzzy Brains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil dash of angst with a splash of smut
> 
> This is just a short little drabble update sort of angst smut to connect the previous chapter and the next. I recognize writing smut is not my strong suit and this is not a full smut scene but just sort of a taste but I think it makes sense with the chapter why I cut it off where I did. 
> 
> * I also want to note. I am not recommending sex as coping skill for panic attacks, or any mental issues. This plot line is based off the MC being obviously a previous self harm victim, self harm is often a coping skill (a very unhealthy one) because the action of cutting releases endorphins, so does sex. If you struggle with self harm or panic attacks don't just have sex, seek a professional. Trust me I love my therapist. They do great work.

You woke up enveloped in warmth to the feeling of long fingers stroking up and down your arms. Groaning a bit, you nestled your body closer up against Sakusa’s chest. He let out a small laugh and kissed the top of your head. You really liked waking up like this.

“Good morning my little goddess. Did you sleep well?”

“Yea I did. Where did you get this pillow from? It's so comfortable!” Sakusa’s cheeks reddened a little. After seeing your apartment and noticing your obvious affinity for pillows and blankets he went on a small mission to find the absolute best pillow the market offered. However, he was not about to let on how much effort or money he had put into the pillow hunt, mostly because he figured it would fluster you.

Instead of answering your question Sakusa just wrapped his arms around your body and pulled you in tight. Nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck he gently kissed your shoulder. This man who you had originally found so intimidating was so soft and gentle with you. He had so lovingly tucked you in to bed last night with him…  _ wait fuck. Last night _ . Your brain instantly flashed to the previous night, you had passed out in Akaashi’s study while reading. Your body flushed with embarrassment. The whole point of last night was to make a good impression on Sakusa’s cousin and friends. Instead you spent the entire time hiding and then to top it off you fell asleep. Sitting up fast enough to startle the generally placid Sakusa you moaned into your hands.

“Ugh, I totally messed up last night. I am so sorry Kiyoomi. Your friend’s probably all think I’m so rude now. I didn’t even say goodbye to any of them. Are… um… are you mad with me?” You bit your lip and looked shyly down at Sakusa. Cocking his head slightly and narrowing his eyes Sakusa took you in trying to determine if you were serious. He opened his mouth to make a small jest but then stopped when he noticed the slight quiver of your lip and the wetness forming in your eyes. Sighing he sat up and pulled you once again to his chest. He didn’t understand how you could ever think he would be mad at you but he wasn’t there to judge you. 

“No my little fairy. I am not and would never be angry at you. And what those idiots think of you doesn't matter either.” You felt him nuzzled into your hair and lightly kiss your neck. It was calming but you couldn’t help the rising fear in your chest about his friends' opinions. 

“But but but they’re your friends. And I’m your girlfriend. I wanted to make sure you could spend time with them after your match. I didn’t want you anyone to blame me for you missing spending time with everyone” Sakusa struggled to not laugh, he knew you were serious but still couldn’t understand where you had gotten the idea to even hang out with his friends. He surely had never mentioned it to you.

“Er… darling I see them every day. Trust me I see them plenty”

“What about Komori? He’s family, and he wanted to hang out with you!” Now that he could not hold back a laugh from. His stupid cousin saw him enough, for gods sake they lived together for years. 

“Hah? No he didn’t dummy. He… uh… he wanted to meet you.” Turning your body slightly you looked up at Sakusa a bit confused. His teammates had said something similar but you weren’t anything special, why would Komori be interested in meeting you? 

“Why would he want to meet me?” 

“He’s never really met anyone I dated. And I guess he and my friends seem to think I am a difficult person to be around so they were intrigued by the idea of a girl able to make me so flustered” Sakusa answered, blushing a bit. He knew how people saw him, as difficult and grouchy. Was it truly such a miracle that someone would want to go out with him? Although he did consider it a bit of one that he managed to tie down someone as good as you. 

“Flustered? You ? You’re always so cool and collected while I babble on like a crazy person”

“Maybe flustered isn’t the right word… but I suppose they noticed that I am putting more effort into doing things I might not normally do because of you.” Things clicked a bit in your mind, was Sakusa going out of the way for you more than what was normal for him? Enough so that other people noticed?

“Like going out to eat? Or bringing me to your apartment?”

“Exactly”

“I’m not burdening you or pushing you right?!?”

“No no that is not what I am saying at all, just calm down [Y/N]. So… um.. last night, you wanting to meet everyone. That was because you didn’t want me to miss out on spending time with them and you didn’t want me or them to think you were jeopardizing my time?”

“I mean kind of… I also just wanted them to like me since they are important to you” Sakusa's heart swelled a bit, it’s true his friends were important to him but he would never want you to be uncomfortable for their sake. 

“They are, but I like you and you make me happy, and that should be reason enough for them to like you”

“I like you too, uh, for the record” 

“Hmmmm and do I make you happy?” Sakusa teased but noticed your force contort a little bit at the question, like when he had watched you try to figure out math problems in your head.

“Oh um, I… uh… happy is hard for me, I to be honest don’t totally know if I feel happy ever. Like I definitely enjoy being with you! And I sure feel lots of positive emotions and stuffs with you.” You closed your eyes and tried to breathe. How could you get out of this conversation, the relationship was too new, you weren't ready for this but you also hate lying. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sakusa’s fingers running up and down along the scars of your left arm did not go unnoticed by you. 

“It's just that um if your goal is to make me happy, I just um, I worry I’m going to disappoint you because I suck so much at being happy.” Historically if you went beyond that explanation people tended to label you as high maintenance or having too much baggage they weren’t interested in handling. You felt the tightness in your chest of panic start to begin. You didn’t want Sakusa to think those things about you, you weren't ready to let him see you as ‘damaged goods’. He practically worshipped you so you didn’t know how he would react with the knowledge of how low you actually are. You needed to shut your brain up now before you fell into a full panic attack which was the last thing you ever wanted him to see. What you were about to do was not the healthiest of choices probably but you had to get the thoughts to just shut up.

Turning your body fully, you looked up at him and firmly pressed your lips against his. Sakusa was stiff at first out of surprise but relaxed into the kiss. He was interested in what you had meant about being unable to be happy but was also extremely distracted by you climbing onto his lap, rolling your hips as you continued to kiss him. When you licked along his lower lip he allowed your tongue to enter his mouth to mingle with his own while his hands wandered down to firmly grab your ass to pull you down closer on top of his now hardening cock. Your slight moans pulled him out of his distracted daze enough for him to remember what you had been discussing moments before.

“[Y/N]... as much as I would love to have you right now… is this what you want or are you just doing this to change the subject?” Sakusa studied your face, your eyes were wet but looked at him pleadingly. 

“Can it be both? Please Omi. I need you. I need you to do this.” 

“Mmmmm you can’t say stuff like that. You’re making it very hard for me to be responsible” He groaned, was it wrong to give you what you were begging him for ? 

“Please Kiyoomi, my brain is all fuzzy and I want it to stop.” You continued to roll your hips and kiss up and down his neck.

“Is that… is that healthy?” You stopped kisses and took in a deep breath. What could you say to convince him that this is what you needed to stop the panic.

“Its… it’s well … it’s healthier than other things I’ve done to try and shut out my thoughts… Please. I just… I just want it to stop. I need you to distract my brain so it stops” 

“I don’t know if I could ever say no to you” Although you hadn’t discussed it with him Sakusa understood what you were alluding to and he also much preferred the method you were now suggesting. He kneaded 

“Please Kiyoomi, fuck me till I can’t think” 

“Yea I can’t say no to that” Sakusa felt his last ounce of resistance leave his body. In a single motion he wrapped his arm around you and flipped you to have your back on his bed with him now above you. You squirmed as he moved his hands under his shirt you were wearing. 

“Mmmm I almost want to leave this shirt on you. It’s kind of hot seeing you in my old team shirt. I bet you would look even hotter in one of my jerseys though… maybe another time. For now I want to kiss every inch of your body” Cold air hit your now exposed nipples as Sakusa slipped the shirt over your head. Before you could gasp from the exposure he secured his warm mouth to one nipple and tweaked the other with his fingers, sending a different sort of chill through your body. Feeling the heat pool between your legs you instinctively bucked your hips in an attempt to find friction against Sakusa’s body.

“Eh please, touch me more Kiyoomi” Sakusa unlatched himself from your breast and sat up, causing you to let out a whine.

“Shhhh, I thought you wanted me to be in charge and to fuck your brains out? But now you’re telling me what to do?”

“No, I uh, no I wasn’t trying to” He put his thumb on your lower lip, pulling it down. You instinctively took it into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it. Sakusa laughed and then gave you a smile before pulling the finger out of your mouth.

“Be a good girl and flip over” As you turned onto stomach you felt Sakusas arms slide under your legs positioning you with your hips up. His fingers ghosted around the wet fabric outlining your folds before walking up your skin to hook along the elastic and pull your panties off. 

“Please please just fuck me” While Sakusa personally adored fore play he wouldn’t lie and say your begging didn’t turn him on tremendously. After lowering his sweatpants you felt him line himself up with you. Letting out little moans as you felt the stretch of your unprepped walls take him in slowly. Slowly Sakusa wrapped one arm around your chest and the other around your waist, pulling you upright against him while he began playing with your clit. And then as you were distracted by the pleasure from his fingers he snapped his hips thrusting the remainder of his length harshly into you. You let out a squeak as the air was taken out of your lungs whereas Sakusa let out a guttural groan. Beginning a punishing pace you already started seeing stars as he hit hard against your g-spot while simultaneously continuing his assault on your clit. As you got closer to your orgasm you felt your mind go blank, entirely consumed by the pleasure Sakusa was providing you. Unable to form the words you looked back at him, pleading with him that you were close. He got the message, pushing down on your clit just as the coil of your core snapped. Slowing his pace Sakusa continued to fuck you through your orgasm as your body went limp in his arms while you twitched with pleasure. 

“It’s okay goddess, I’ll take care of you, we are just getting started”


	11. Number 15

Sunday morning you met up with Akaashi for brunch. You had agreed on a small cafe where he had said he often liked to sit and work for a change of scenery. Not wanting to be difficult you didn’t mention your anxieties with new places. He had described it as small and quiet so you figured it would be fine. When you looked up reviews and the menu online it seemed like something you could handle, and it also seemed that they had excellent waffles. If there was one thing that could get you out of your apartment it was waffles, you and Aoi had spent nearly every Sunday of college curled up in the booth of an old diner eating stacks of chocolate peanut butter waffles, nursing your headaches and heartbreaks. While you were thankfully neither of those today, you were still pretty excited at the prospect of the food.. 

At 11 you strolled up to a small building with green striped awnings and were hit with the smell of coffee and baked goods. Feeling your morning coffee wearing off and your stomach rumble you hurried inside. You saw your new friend waving you over to a booth in the back corner of the cafe. Akaashi gave you a warm smile as you sat down in the booth and you swear his ocean eyes sparkled. You rolled your eyes and smirked at him. 

“You know you’re annoyingly attractive right? Like if you could just have a pimple or maybe a trash personality it would really make the rest of us lowly peasants look a bit better” Akaashi laughed at your snark. As much as he loved the volleyball world and his friends he didn’t have many people outside of work he could discuss books with so he genuinely was excited that you would now be part of their circle of friends. 

“Ah well, thanks. You’re pretty attractive too though. I mean you did manage to bag number 2 on Japan’s hottest volleyball player list. My sweet owl is only number 10, he was practically inconsolable when those numbers came out.” Your cheeks blushed at someone as pretty as Akaashi calling you attractive. Wait what was that? Hottest volleyball player list ? And Sasuka was two? Wait who was number one then? 

“Wait, that's actually a thing? They make lists like that?”

“Oh yea, I know you don’t follow volleyball but a lot of people do. They treat the players practically like idols sometimes. It's honestly kind of creepy. But here look there are all sorts of instagram pages for it” Akaashi handed you his phone with a page named “Volleyball’s hottest” on it and sure enough as you scrolled through the feed Sakusa was very heavily represented. You clicked on a picture showing him after a successful service ace, looking down to the comments you started to cringe. You knew he had fans, but this many? Really? You wondered what they would think about their precious Sakusa having a girlfriend, and what they would think about that girlfriend being you. 

“Are you and Bokuto open about your relationship on social media and stuff?” You wondered out loud and looked up from the comments. 

“We are but we were also already dating when he went pro. It was already part of our existence and the professional athlete thing sort of got added in later. Plus, I don't think Kou would be able to keep it a secret, he’s very excitable and handsy.” That seemed like an accurate assessment based on the few interactions you had had with him thus far. 

“Gotcha. That makes sense.” You were still scrolling through all the comments about Sakusa. Until today you never have thought there were so many synonyms for attractive, and were also mildly worried if Japan had a canibillism problem based on the number of women who wanted to lick and bite him. Akaashi studied your face as it changed from amused to a bit concerned the longer you read. When he showed you this list he hadn’t considered it causing any insecurities and now he was a tad concerned.

“Are you worried about the fans?”

“I guess kinda, I don’t know if you noticed but I am pretty shy”

“You don’t say” You laughed at his sarcasm. Akaashi clearly was good at reading people and very in tune with others emotional needs as was apparent from how well he handled you the other night. 

“Kiyoomi isn’t really into social media anyways so it’s not like he would be posting stuff about us.”

“He might be into it if he had something he felt was worthwhile of showing off to the world”

“What’s that mean?” Akaashi rolled his eyes at you. While he considered you one of the most intelligent people he had met in his life thus far he was starting to think you might be lacking in some common sense. Or at the very least emotional intelligence. 

“The man looks at you like you’re the single most precious being on Earth” Your cheeks burned and you felt your ears turn a bit red. Surely he doesn’t look at you like that, he looks at you like a normal boyfriend would right? 

“He does not. He just… He looks at me like he likes me. I’m his girlfriend”

“Listen, I’ve known Sakusa for years. We grew up playing against each other in Tokyo and have always had friends in common. In all of the time I have spent around him he has never been as warm and gentle with anyone as he is with you.” You gulped a little. Did he really like you that much? 

“Oh” Akaashi shook his head and let out a small laugh. You and Sakusa probably were perfect for each other, both equally clueless. 

“Yea, oh. I’m just saying, he might change his mind about sharing pictures to social media when he sees how cute you look in his Jersey at the game.” Your face lit up. After Sakusa made a brief mention of you wearing his jersey you had texted Akaashi and asked him about helping you get one. 

“You still think Bokuto can get it?”

“Yup, Kou said he will take one from his locker at practice this week. Sakusa is usually the first one dressed and out of there.”

“Are you sure it’s okay to take it? They have multiples right?”

“Yea, it will probably be last year’s jersey. The number and everything is the same but the design is the smallest bit different.”

“Yay! You guys are the best, and as promised here is your payment” You excitedly dug through your backpack and handed over the container of peanut butter cookies you made that morning. Akaashi happily accepted the cookies, taking one out to dunk into his coffee. 

“Mmmmmm. Do I have to share these with Kou?”

“Seeing as he is doing the dangerous job of stealing from Sakusa? Yes”

“Eh, I guess I love him and he can have one or two” You laughed at your friend, now excited to surprise Sakusa at his match Friday. Hopefully he wouldn't be too mad that you were having Bokuto break into his locker. As your mind wandered you heard your stomach rumble and Akaashi looked across the table at you with a raised brow. 

“So should we order those waffles?”

* * *

Sakusa was deep in thought as he prepared for practice Thursday. While things seemed fine with you and he had even spent the previous night at your apartment he was having a hard time letting go of what happened Saturday morning with you in bed. He knew you obviously have some painful things in your past but he had absolutely no idea how to make you comfortable talking with him about them. Of course he would never complain about having sex with you but he knew that it was not healthy for you to just deal with things by fucking him. If he could just figure out what it is that makes you feel so panicked, or so incapable of happiness then maybe he could fix it. Unfortunately, Sakusa was not normally the person anyone went to for compassion or emotional support. It's not that he wasn’t empathetic to others’ issues. He just never knew how to word things right so that he actually came off as supportive rather than like a dick. Instead he generally just chose silence. He was pretty sure silence wasn’t the correct answer here though. You had become so precious to him, the idea that you could be struggling made him want to do everything in his power to make it better. He wasn’t sure how but he would figure things out and be your support.

Slamming the door on his locker closed he let out an exasperated sigh and headed out to the court to warm up. Usually being the first to get to practice, Sakusa was surprised to see Atsumu already out on the court practicing his serves. He walked over to put his water bottle down and decided to have just a bit of fun to get his mind in a better mood. Just as Atsumu threw the ball up for his serve Sakusa yelled out at him from the bench.

“Hey idiot, you forget how to read a clock again?” Atsumu’s face contorted as he looked towards Sakusa and served the ball straight into the net. Sakusa let out a bark of laughter. The sound that then came out of Atsumu’s mouth though could hardly be described as human, somewhere between a screech and a moose call. 

“What the hell Omi! That was such a dick move. I don’t yell when you serve” Continuing to laugh Sakusa began walking towards his friend who was giving him a death glare. Sakusa responded with another laugh much to the chagrin of the setter. 

“You’re welcome to, unlike you I’ll still make it in” 

“Oh really? Prove it” Atsumu crossed his arms and looked at Sakusa challengingly. Sakusa just rolled his eyes. He knew the idiot was serious but he didn’t know why he thought it would be an issue. Sakusa always serves with people yelling, he easily just zones them all out and focuses on what he has to do. 

“Easy” Sakusa smirked at Atsumu as he walked over to him at the service line, picking up a ball from the cart. He spun the ball in his hands once and then tossed it into the air, he focused on his jump for his serve as he heard Astumu yell from behind him.

“You’re girlfriend’s got a hot ass”

“NGGHHHH!!” Sakusa slammed the ball over the net, landing it hard in the back opposite corner of the court. As he landed from his jump he quickly turned to face Atsumu as the words his friend had used to try and distract him registered in his mind. Anger flashed in his eyes as he began walking closer to Atsumu.

“What was that you germ?” Sakusa wouldn’t necessarily hurt Atsumu, they had a game the next day and Sakusa didn’t feel like adjusting to their other setter. He however was not above slapping this idiot in the face for commenting on your ass. Of course he agreed with the comment, but that ass was for Sakusa’s viewing pleasure not idiot germs who can’t even serve with a bit of noise.

“Oh calm down Omi-Omi. I was just tryna distract ya.” Atsumu smirked at Sakusa, clearly not feeling threatened by his friend closing in on him. 

“Don’t talk about her body. Okay you idiot?” 

“Okayyyyy. Yeesh, it's not my fault she comes to the games in those little outfits”

“Yea, you’re dead”

By the time the rest of the team had entered the gym Atsumu was dodging spike after spike of volleyballs aimed at his head screaming for Hinata to come save him. 

* * *

  
  


That week was another home game and you were excited to surprise Sakusa by wearing his jersey. Akaashi had come over the day before to drop it off and so the two of you could exchange books. You weren’t entirely sure how to style an outfit using a volleyball jersey though. When you put it on to get ready it ended up being more like a dress than a shirt on you. Your body quite literally was swimming in the black fabric of the number 15 jersey. It reached mid thigh on you, and the point of wearing it was to surprise Sakusa so you decided maybe you could be at least a little sexy with it. Deciding to wear it as is, you threw on some booty shorts underneath just for safety. Paired with some crew socks and your converse you actually felt pretty damn cute. You just hoped your boyfriend agreed rather than being upset that you had his friend steal you the jersey. 

When you arrived at your now usual seat in the arena, you sat down and fiddled with your long pink braid as you anxiously watched the rest of the seats begin to fill up. You were glad that Akaashi would be there soon, he had even promised to grab some onigiri to snack on. As you patiently waited for the arrival of your friend a familiar blur of orange hair excitedly jumped into one of the open seats next to you.

“Hi [Y/N]!!! Oh I am so excited you are back! Shoyo told me you are actually dating Sakusa now. Wait oh my gosh is that his jersey? You look so cute!” You were happy to see Natsu, she was the sweetest girl, but you were pretty sure someone could get whiplash from a conversation with her.

“Ah yea, we are. And thanks! I wore it to surprise him, I hope he likes it” Natsu beamed back at you and then rolled her eyes. 

“He would be a big dummy if he didn’t you look gorgeous”

“You are very sweet”

“Ohhhh and I can see more of your arm today!! What all are your tattoos?” Subconsciously you grabbed at your left arm, feeling the scars hidden below the ink.

“Ummm… they are all different flowers and plants and uh stuff”

“Its soooo pretty !! I don’t see a lot of girls with tattoos like that! Why did you get them? Do they mean something?” You winced a little but thankfully you got this question enough that you knew your answer. 

“I wanted my arm to be beautiful” It was the truth after all. You had hated your left arm, so when you were in college you made the decision to make it something that gave you joy instead of dread to see. 

“Are you going to do the other arm?”

“I hope not” You answered in a whisper leaving Natsu craning her head to try and hear before her eyes caught on something and lit up.

“What? Oh Akaashi!!! Hi!! I haven’t seen you in forever! ” Looking up you saw Akaashi taking the seat on your other side.

“Ah hi Natsu, I hear your team is still playing great. Best girls in Miyagi”

“About to be the best girls team in the nation just you watch! I bet we are better than the boys too!” Akaashi smiled at the younger Hinata and rolled his eyes before turning his attention to you Akaashi looked you up and down and laughed.

“Ah there is the Hinata confidence. [Y/N] when I brought you the jersey I hadn’t anticipated you to only wear the jersey” Your cheeks burned a bit, was not wearing leggings too sexy for a public volleyball match?

“Akaashi!! Don’t say it like that! Its so big on me, I have plenty of skirts and dresses shorter than this”

“Yea! She looks super hot. I bet Sakusa will bust a nose bleed when he sees her'' Thank gods for Natsu, this girl could bring up anyone's confidence. You stuck your tongue out at Akaashi and teased back at him.

“That’s right Akaashi, I’m super hot”

“Okay then. Here are you onigiri. Would you like one Natsu?” Akaashi rolled his eyes again before handing you the onigiri he had picked up in the lobby. 

“Oh yes please!! Thanks!!” Settling back in your seats and digging into the tasty rice balls you all faced the court as the lights dimmed for the entrance of the Jackals. 

* * *

  
  


As the team gathered around the bench at the start of the match Atsumu was the first to notice you up in the stands. The blond setter elbowed Sakusa, earning himself a death glare.

“Hey Omi-Omi it looks like your number one fan dressed up for you today”

“I swear Atsumu, stop commenting on my girlfriends looks, did you not get enough punishment yesterday?” Sakusa rubbed his temples, why is he friends with such a pig?

“What?! No idiot she’s wearing your jersey” 

“She’s what?” Sakusa’s head whipped up and looked towards the part of the stands reserved for friends and family of the team. Sure enough sandwiched between Akaashi and Natsu you were standing cheering along to the Jackals fight song. His brain short circuited just a bit at the sight of the big 15 across your chest, particularly when he noticed your bare legs. Were you wearing only the jersey? It was so big on you it just emphasized how much smaller you were than him. Wait did he secretly have a size kink? No probably not. Ugh he just wanted to run up there and pick you up right then and take you home. 

“Fuck, that’s hot. Wait, who gave her my jersey?” He half whispered to himself before feeling thick hands grabbing onto his shoulders.

“You’re welcome Omi!!!! Am I the best or am I the best?” Bokuto responded and gave Sakusa a big stupid grin, obviously pleased with himself. Sakusa just clicked his tongue. He was happy you were wearing the jersey but now he needed to disinfect his entire locker.

  
  


“One, don’t touch my stuff. Two, I am only not killing you for touching my stuff because it was for [Y/N] and I am very pleased with this surprise”

“Three, you love me”

“Shut up”

“Okey Dokey Omi Omi!! Let's go win!” The team cheered in response and the starters ran onto the court. Sakusa gave you one last look before preparing to receive, he would definitely be showing his appreciation for this surprise later.

* * *

  
  
  


The Jackals won 3-1 after giving up the first set but then coming in hard to take the next three consecutively. You weren’t sure if you were actually starting to understand volleyball or you just had the two best commentators beside you explaining everything. What you did gather though was that Sakusa played great today. He seemed pleased since he lifted a fist after every service ace, of which there were many. 

“Oh come on let’s go down to the court!” Natsu jumped out of her seat and looked at you expectantly. You bit your lip nervously. 

“Wait, we can do that?” You questioned. 

“Yea, look the team is still down there. The boys will let us on”

“It’s okay [Y/N]. We are allowed” Akaashi added, calming your nerves. 

“Um okay”

Natsu tightly grasped your hand and began dragging you down the steps to the court, yelling out to her brother and Sakusa while Akaashi slowly followed behind. Your cheeks burned red as you saw the entire team as well as multiple reporters and fans turn to look at your odd little procession. By the time you made it to the court Sakusa had made his way over to the stairs and you did not miss him not so subtly checking you out.

“So on top of being gorgeous and intelligent is my little goddess also a thief?” You giggled a little as Sakusa ran his fingers along the bottom hem of the jersey, fingers grazing along your bare thighs. 

“What? You don’t like my surprise?” You teased back, smiling up at your boyfriend, adding puppy dog eyes just for the hell of it. He obviously wasn’t mad, thank gods. 

“Oh I love it, in fact I think it looks better on you than it ever did on me” His voice lowered an octave as he looked you over with a slight predatory gaze. 

“So am I forgiven for my crimes?”

“Hmmmm on one condition” Sakusa moved his body closer and ran his hand over your pink braid, twisting it between his fingers.

“Oh what’s that?” You innocently questioned as he looked down at you with a mischievous smirk. 

“This” Sakusa reached down to your waist and smoothly picked you up, bringing your face up to his. You gasped in surprise and quickly wrapped your arms and legs around him to feel more secure. Within moments his lips were on yours, his kisses were warm and laced with lust. The kind of kisses that could make you forget anyone other than Sakusa existed. Unfortunately for your dignity other people still existed and pretty much everyone in the vicinity had now taken note of you two kissing. 

“You two realize you’re still on the court right?” Akaashi’s voice sounded from behind and you and Sakusa quickly separated. He lowered you back to the ground, your faces now both with matching red faces of complete embarrassment. Hiding your face into his sweaty jersey Sakusa noticed the amount of phones now aimed in your direction. 

“Fuck”


	12. Pros and Cons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is sort of filler but I felt like it needed to be done to build up to dealing with the stuff I have planned, the next chapter will be much meatier plot wise.

Sakusa held his head under the stream of the shower, letting all of the sweat from the match watch off his face and body. He had been so transfixed on you wearing his damn jersey that all rationality went out the window. How could he have been so stupid to kiss you in front of all those people? It was common knowledge that he absolutely despised crowds and too many people looking at him. Sure it came with the territory of being a professional athlete but he could mentally block them all out and fixate on the game rather than the audience. And now he just pulled you, possibly the shyest person he has ever met into the eyes of that glaring audience. There was zero doubt in his mind that pictures had been taken and would be up probably by the end of the night on every volleyball media site as well as those stupid Instagram pages. Honestly, who cared who the hottest volleyball players were anyways? The entire thing was beyond stupid to Sakusa but that didn’t mean he was unaware of the sheer number of people who followed those pages. He took a deep breath and turned off the shower. For now he just needed to take you home and curl up holding his sweet little goddess, the damage was done, things were now out of his control. 

After quickly getting dressed Sakusa met you outside of the locker room where he had left you in the safe care of Akaashi. Even though it meant the possible torture of double dates in his future Sakusa was thankful that you had so easily befriended Bokuto’s partner. It seemed that years of dealing with Bokuto’s mood fluctuations helped him be very attuned to your emotional needs as well. When he interrupted you both on the court, and thank the gods he did before Sakusa got too handsy in front of anyone, he helped to quickly guide you off the court. Sakusa didn’t miss the panic on your face once realization of what you had done sat in, he just hoped that it wasn't enough panic to make you want to cut your losses and leave. It seemed that Akaashi had succeeded in soothing some of your panic however, since you now seemed calmer. Sakusa slipped a protective arm around your waist, pulling you to his chest so he could lay a kiss on your forehead.

“I’m so sorry little one. I didn’t think, I let myself be distracted and put you in a situation that made you uncomfortable.” You lifted your head off of his chest and looked up at him with your big eyes that drove him mad.

“Omi, I was the one who walked down to the court, and I kissed you back. It’s not exactly like we did anything wrong. I’m just embarrassed that’s all. Maybe it’s not how I would choose for our relationship to be revealed to the masses but it could be worse. Akaashi was just telling me some horror stories of all the things he's seen Atsumu do over the years” You let out a small giggle that comforted Sakusa into knowing that your panic was in fact over. Making a mental note to grill Akaashi about how he pulled you out of your own head sometime, you both gave your goodbyes to the editor and made your way to Sakusa’s car to head home for the night. 

Smiling down on you as you tossed yourself onto his couch, Sakusa’s mind once again returned to your chosen attire for the evening. Curled up in just your socks and his jersey he decided that besides being naked this was definitely the sexiest he had ever seen you. There was something primal in him that lit up upon seeing you dressed in his clothes, especially the shirt marked with his number and name. Considering himself a feminist he didn’t want to consider it a marking his territory thing but in all honesty he knew it probably wasn’t too far off from the truth. Perhaps rather it was you showing off that he was in fact yours instead, since truly he would worship your body for hours given the opportunity. Leaning over the back of the couch he ran a finger down your side from your hip to your knee and watched you squirm from the tickling of his touch. 

“Omi no fair you know I’m ticklish” Pouting at him through your giggles, Sakusa held in the groan that was rising in his chest.

“What’s not fair is that you look so much better in my own jersey than me”

“You really think I look cute?” He knew you were teasing him but he swore he saw the smallest flash of real insecurity in your eyes. Clearly Sakusa would have none of that, he needed you to know exactly what the sight of you like this did to him.

“Cute enough to distract me right out of me aversion to crowds, so yea I think you look pretty fucking cute.” You smiled up at him, biting your lip and got on your knees. Sakusa watched as you rested your arms on the back of the couch and leaned towards him.

“I mean you look cute when you wear your uniform too” Sakusa bent down to you, bringing his lips to your ear.

“Oh yea?” He whispered low. His lips on your ear tickled, causing you to squirm and giggle even more. Sakusa straightened himself back up and stared down at you with his head cocked. 

“Hehe yea of course. Why is your face like that? If you think too hard you’ll hurt your head” You cocked your head to mirror his, sticking your tongue out. 

“I am having an internal debate” 

“About what?”

“About if I want you to leave that on while I make you moan or if I want to take it off of you”

“Ah now that is a real debate, want me to draw up a pros and cons list to help determine your preference ?” Sakusa withheld a laugh. He figured you were joking but he also wouldn’t put it past you, you did really enjoy lists. 

“Now as sexy as that would be I think it won't be necessary” Sakusa bent down and kissed along your jawline. Leaning into his kisses you reached your arms up to wrap around his neck. 

“Aw really? What about a really sexy chart?” That one did make him laugh. Shaking his head he lightly kissed your nose. 

“Oh baby a chart? For me?”

“Play your cards right and maybe I could figure out a way to run a regression analysis with the variables” Sakusa smiled at your response, gods you were such a dork. You had now reached the point of him not understanding what you were talking about but he was sure you would happily explain it to him. 

“Okay now I’m lost” He finally kissed your lips, firmly at first and then softer as he slowly dragged his tongue along your lower lips. You pulled away from the kiss to his confusion before looking up at him with lust filled eyes. 

“Nevermind, just carry me to the bedroom.”

* * *

  
  


**Aoi: [Y/N] why is my little cousin sending me Instagrams of you making out with your boyfriend?**

As predicted, pictures of Sakusa and your kiss made its way to all the top volleyball fan sites by Friday evening. It didn’t surprise you that Aoi’s cousin Rin saw them, the teenage girl was boy crazy, so of course she followed pages sharing pictures of hot male athletes. The lack of surprise did very little to quell your embarrassment though, so you were glad Aoi chose to text you rather than facetime. 

**You: Well… we sort of got caught up in the moment and forgot there were people watching ?**

Typing it out you realized how stupid it sounded, how could you have been so distracted. But then again Sakusa did that cute smirky smile thing that makes you forget to breathe so surely forgetting you were surrounded by people isn't too far of a stretch… right? 

**Aoi: You? [Y/N], little miss can barely order her own food, forgot there were people watching?**

**You: I can order my own food**

**Aoi: Not at line service places like Chipotle. And heaven forbid they get your order wrong. Need I bring up the beach trip of sophomore year where you had to go cry in the bathroom while I told the waiter he brought you the wrong meal?**

Aoi was never going to let that one go, what she didn't know was you also vomited in that bathroom while crying from the anxiety of the situation. Telling a service professional something was wrong is very high up on your personal cant do lists. Just thinking about it gave you chills.

**You: I didn’t want to be rude!**

**Aoi: It was pork with an apple glaze. You don’t eat pork and you’re allergic to apples!**

**You: I had my epi-pen**

You did have you epi-pen! Plus it’s not like your allergy is that bad, and eating pork wouldn't kill you, it's just a preference. It was a prime example though of how much you relied on Aoi through college. You liked to think you had gained a small amount of assertiveness but realistically you knew you just avoided situations where you would be required to be assertive instead. 

**Aoi: For fuck sake. Back to germ boy.**

Hmmm germ boy, you didn’t hate the nickname. With you as bacteria girl you could be a team of sanitizing crime fighters. 

**You: Right well… he’s just very… enrapturing when he talks sometimes. And he does this smirk that is just… really nice?**

**Aoi: The dick is that good ? Who knew all we needed to get you over your anxiety all these years was good dick.**

While you weren’t surprised at her response you still choked a little on the tea you had been drinking. 

**You: No!!!!!**

**You: Well I mean yes the sex is awesome. But no, he hasn’t gotten me over my anxiety.**

**Aoi: Have you talked to him about everything?**

Biting your lip you sunk back into the pile of pillows you had nested yourself on. You knew you should talk to Sakusa about your past and the self harm. It wasn’t an active issue in your life really, at least not to the extent of cutting, just nervous clawing at yourself usually. Unfortunately though bringing up the issue always lead to more questions, like why you did it in the first place which was a tangled web that even thinking about caused your chest to tighten. 

**You: He obviously has noticed the scars but um he sorta tried to talk about it a little with me last week and I might have freaked out and just ended up having sex instead of dealing with the panic?**

You still weren't proud of that moment. The last thing you wanted was for him to think that you were using him to dull your anxieties. 

**Aoi: Hmmm sounds healthy.**

She’s not wrong you thought. 

**You: I don’t want Kiyoomi to see me like that. He won’t want to be with me if he realizes how fucked up I am.**

**Aoi: You aren’t fucked up. You’ve had trauma. There is nothing wrong with you.**

You groaned to yourself. Aoi and you always have this argument. She refused to let you see yourself as defective, that stupid word that has haunted you for years. As much as you really wanted to listen to your friend though you had spent years repeating that word to yourself to the point that it was essentially ingrained into your brain. It just felt like a fact at this point, you were defective.

**You: Then why can’t I function like a normal fucking person and not freak out about every little thing?**

**Aoi: Who the fuck gets to decide what normal is?**

**You: Society?**

**Aoi: Fuck society. You’re smart, hot, and apparently are having awesome sex. I think you’re just fine buddy.**

You knew arguing your point wouldn't get you anywhere so you gave in and decided to focus on the issue of talking to your boyfriend rather than your internal view of yourself. 

**You: Mehhhh but how do I talk to him about this stuff.**

**Aoi: Just do it and even if you cry keep talking. It will be okay.**

Just do it, rip off the Band-Aid and push through the pain. Easier said than done, you knew talking to Sakusa about these things would be hard and would cause your body to go into panic. It was like a sort of self preservation to keep yourself from thinking about the trauma. However, you also knew that if you wanted to keep building up this relationship, which you did, that you would need to let him in. Fuck, you really hated when Aoi was right, which felt like all the time. 

**You: Okay… fine.**

**Aoi: Good. I love you and you can call me if you need to.**

**Aoi: Also you looked super hot in that picture ;)**

Deciding that you would try and talk to Sakusa when you next saw him, you dragged yourself from the comforts of your pillow nest and to your bathroom. A nice warm shower sounded great to you, and also like a great distraction from thinking about anything too seriously. You felt your worries drip down your body along with the water and the tension that had begun to build in your head release a bit. Showers really were miracles. Once you felt clean and relaxed you turned off the water and wrapped yourself up in your fluffiest towel. Grabbing your phone from the counter you noticed a missed call and a new voicemail. Your stomach dropped when you saw who it was from and you reached back into the shower to turn it back on. You were going to need more miracle stress release after listening to this message, your water bill be damned. Closing your eyes you took a deep breath and played the message left from you mother. 

“Hi [Y/N], I heard that you have a new boyfriend. And a professional athlete as well, however did someone like that end up with you? I suppose it’s no surprise none of us knew since you can’t be bothered to call anyone, probably in one of your moods. Anyways, I’ll be in town for an auction next week so I’ll take you and this boyfriend to dinner. Please try to wear something that covers all that ridiculous stuff on your body, I don’t enjoy having people think my daughter is some sort of punk. And try not to act up, you wouldn’t want to look unattractive and scare away this man. I will text you the details for the reservation. See you then.”


	13. Ripping off Bandages

Sakusa wasn’t concerned when you asked if he could come over after his practice Monday night, it was a day earlier than you two had planned but he was happy to see more of you. He also wasn’t concerned when you didn’t talk on the phone Sunday night because you wanted to go to sleep early, you had had a long weekend with a lot going on, it made sense you were tired. However, he was concerned that during the day Monday your texts seemed different than normal, less like you. Less bubbly and cute, more so short and just to the point. Sitting on the bench of the Jackals locker room he read over that day’s conversation and compared it to previous ones. Maybe he was reading too much into it but something just wasn’t sitting right with Sakusa. Hearing the loud laughter coming from the hall he looked up to see his friends walking into the locker room.

“Well if it isn’t lover boy himself! Didn’t know you had it in ya Omi Omi” Atsumu teased as he walked in, throwing his bag in his locker and then taking a seat on the bench next to Sakusa. Hinata and Bokuto put their bags down and walked over to Sakusa as well, making the man feel much too crowded for his taste.

“How’s [Y/N] handling the publicity?” Hinata cocked his head. That was a fucking excellent question, that Sakusa just realized he was too stupid to even think to ask you. He was so used to ignoring all things social media he hadn’t considered checking to see if it was affecting you. Was that why you were acting strange? You were a shy person so it would stand to reason that you probably didn’t enjoy your picture being seen by millions of people. And worse what if those people were saying poor things about you, Sakusa may give zero shits about the opinions of others but he was pretty sure your skin wasn’t nearly as thick. 

“I don’t entirely know, but I am going to her place after practice so I will make sure to check in with her” Sakusa looked down at his hands as he responded, guilt starting to seep in that he didn’t think of that sooner.

“Good, Akaashi said he was worried about her. Something about people bothering her about the pictures.” Bokuto added, giving Sakusa a more serious look than the spiker was used to seeing on his friend.

“Bothering her how?” Anger began to rise alongside the guilt in Sakusa’s chest. People were harassing you? And it was all his fault. This is exactly why I hate people, he thought. 

“Ummmm… I don't remember? I was making breakfast when we were talking about it and I almost burnt the toast again.” Atsumu choked on his breath, failing to hold in his laughter at Bokuto’s culinary incapability. 

“You can’t even make toast?” Atsumu teased, riling up the spiker who was quick to respond angrily.

“Like you can do better Tsum-Tsum! Your brother does all your cooking for you!”

“Does not!” Sakusa gripped the bench with white knuckles sighing as he watched what could be the beginning of an idiot off between his friends. He didn’t care who could cook, he cared about what was going on with you. 

“Back to [Y/N] please. What are people saying online? I haven’t even looked” Hinata gave Sakusa a sympathetic look before responding. 

“Natsu said it was mostly positive and that the picture is really cute! Although… you know how fangirls can be sometimes. It’s possible that some of them have tried to harass her” Sakusa did know how fangirls could be. He had endured years of the giggling stalkers who would go out of their way to approach him anytime he tried to do just about anything. If they were such big fans of his shouldn’t they realize he doesn’t enjoy being crowded? He also knew that they could be ruthless, especially when hidden behind the anonymity that the internet provided them. Before Sakusa could tumble too far down into the dark hole of worrying about you being harassed online Atsumu spoke up. 

“Nah, her profile is private, they wouldn’t be able to message her. The worst they can do is write rude comments, she just has to not read them” Sakusa gave Atsumu an incredulous look, why did he know about your social media pages?

“You follow [Y/N] on Instagram?” Sakusa questioned, thinning his eyes as he glared at Atsumu.

“Yea… I think we all do, you don’t even follow your own girlfriend? Harsh” All three of his friends nodded, acknowledging that they did all follow you on Instagram. This wasn’t helping Sakusa’s guilt ridden thoughts. 

“I deleted the app a few months ago. I couldn’t be bothered. Let me see your phone I want to see her profile”

“Here” Hinata pulled up your page and handed the phone to Sakusa. There you were, his precious girlfriend that he apparently was the worst boyfriend in the world to. He rolled his eyes and smiled when he saw your handle name. 

“Bacteriagirl22… of course she would”

“I think it's cute! She posts health facts on her stories everyday! Did you know that flu shots protect other people and not just yourself? I got mine last week so I’m basically a superhero” Bokuto interjected. Sakusa scoffed in response.

“Of course it’s cute. Everything she does is cute. She is the cutest” Sakuse said almost agressively, choosing to ignore the second half of Bokuto’s comments.

“Cute” Atsumu gave a smarmy grin as he teased. 

“Shut up Tsumu” Sakusa replied as he continued to scroll through the grid of your photos until he saw one that peaked his interest. 

“What’s that” Sakusa held up a post from a few months ago of what looked like a memorial shrine but instead of normal things there was an old hat, cookies, and what looked like an ancient Dungeons and Dragons book. 

“Oh I saw that when I was going through her posts” Hinata responded quietly as Sakusa clicked on the picture to enlarge it and read the caption.

“You went through all her posts?” Atsumu questioned. 

“It’s not that weird, I was bored on the train. But um… that posts about her dad. He died a few years ago I guess.” 

“What?” Sakusa finished reading the caption at the same time Hinata spoke. It was indeed a memorial post to your late father. The further he scrolled on your page the more he realized there was a lot he didn't realize about you. How did he not know your father had passed?

“Do you even know your girlfriend Omi?” Atsumu questioned, but it wasn’t laced with as much venom as his teases normally were. 

“Yes! But we never really talk about our families. So I didn’t… I didn’t realize. Wow I really am the world’s worst boyfriend aren't I?” Sakusa ran his hands through his black wavy locks, sighing as his friends gave him awkward looks. 

“Probably just the worst in Japan” Hinata turned to look at Atsumu’s response like he had grown a third head. 

“How was I supposed to know though! She never told me!” Which was the truth, but then again it’s not like he really asked either. 

“Isn’t asking about someone’s family pretty standard first date conversation?” Hinata questioned.

“I didn’t ask Keji about his family on our first date” Bokuto inputted in hopes of making Sakusa feel better. 

“You don’t count, you played volleyball together before you started dating” Atsumu said as he smacked Bokuto upside the head.

“Rude”

“Maybe you should ask her about it tonight” Atsumu added, trying to be semi supportive. While he may have dated the most out of them all, he definitely had the least experience in long term relationships. Sakusa appreciated that it seemed like he was at least trying to the best of his ability though. He could only expect so much from the setter.

“Yea, I’ll try. She tends to sort of panic when we discuss serious things it feels like.” 

“Try and help her stay relaxed! That’s what Keji does for me. If I get too worked up he plays with my hair, or we take a bath” Bokuto suggested, reminding Sakusa of how much better Akaashi seemed at calming you down than him. 

“Yea I am going to need Akaashi to give me a crash course in emotional literacy it seems”

“Kiyoomi, I think you are probably fine. Just be there for her. Make sure she knows you’re present and supportive. That should be enough.” Hinata somehow had been the calmest and most supportive throughout this whole conversation. Normally he was so bouncy and full of energy, as appreciative as Sakusa was that his friend was taking the topic seriously he couldn’t lie and say he was surprised.

“When did you get so wise Shoyo?” Bokuto asked

“I have a teenage little sister. I know how to listen to emotions.” All three of the other men nodded their heads solemnly, thanking the world that they didn’t have younger sister emotions to deal with. 

* * *

You felt bad for bailing on your nightly call Sunday with Sakusa but there was no way you would have been able to talk on the phone without crying and alerting him to your distressed state. However, since your mother would be in town on Wednesday expecting the both of you for dinner you knew you would need to talk to him Monday. That way he at least had two days to prepare for what you hoped wouldn’t be a relationship ending dinner. 

Since receiving the voicemail from your mother motivation was at an all time low. Having called out sick to your internship and classes you barely left bed the entirety of the day Monday. When you finally heard the unlocking of your front door, signifying Sakusa’s arrival you were still rolled up tight like a burrito in the blankets of your bed. Peering up from your nest you saw him standing in your doorway looking at you, clearly concerned.

“I thought you were my little goddess not a vampire, what’s with the darkness?” You realized you hadn’t bothered ever turning on the lights of your bedroom that day. What was the point? You didn’t need to see anything to disassociate with the world. 

“Maybe I’m the goddess of vampires” Selene, you thought. Perhaps being a moon goddess would be pretty cold. Although you were never overly into the night time, you enjoyed sleep way too much for that. 

“Hmmm… I’ll take that into account but I think I prefer my little nature goddess. What flowers are going to bloom in all this dark?” Sakusa walked into your room and sat on your bed next to your blanket burrito. You turned to look up at him before sticking your tongue out and answering with a giggle. 

“Evening primrose” You smiled for probably the first time that day as Sakusa rolled his eyes at your antics. 

“Right well although I am very glad you have answers for everything, can I turn on a light?” He leaned to reach for the lamp on your bedside table but you sat up grabbing his arm before he could. Sakusa looked down at you while you bit your lip. You knew you just needed to rip this band aid off. 

“Can it wait, I think this might be easier if it’s dark so I don't have to worry about you looking at my face” Dropping his arm, you looked away from him, already feeling the first bits of panic settling into your chest. 

“What might be easier?” Sakusa asked softly. He clearly knew it was something more serious because he had dropped his teasing tone. 

“Just um… I need to explain some things I think.” 

“Okay”

“And if after I talk about them you want to break up, I… I understand and won’t fight you about it” You really hoped Sakusa wouldn’t break up with you but people’s reactions varied to this sort of information and you really couldn’t blame him if it made him lose interest in you.

“Did you kill somebody?” Sakusa asked totally deadpan. Your body quickly turned back to face him and you looked at him incredulously. Did he seriously think you were even capable of physical altercations? Although, you supposed maybe he was thinking the poison or bioterrorism route

“What? No?” Sakusa took the opportunity of your shock to wrap his arms around you and pull your body to his chest. He held you tight as he responded. 

“Then I’m not going to break up with you. Outside of being a serial killer I highly doubt anything you are going to tell me will give me a reason to not want to be with you”

“I mean… Other people have left because of it. So really it’s okay” It was true. Other people when they found out about certain things lost interest, saw you as too much work. Simply not worth the effort it would take to be around you. You were simply an inconvenience you thought. 

“Fuck them” Your eyes widened at his quick and succinct response. But your surprise didn’t last long, he just didn’t get it you thought. Tears started to form, watering up in your eyes. 

“It’s okay Kiyoomi, being with me is too much work, you deserve to be with someone who isn’t broken and… and so… defective” Your breath was shaky as you let out the last few words, causing Sakusa to hold you to his chest tighter. 

“Defective? How can a person be defective” The definition of the word rattled through your brain. Imperfect, faulty, incomplete. 

“It means I'm faulty, put together wrong. My brain just doesn’t click right, I get so upset about things that don’t bother other people, and...and I just get so freaked out and I inconvenience everyone. My brain just gets so blurry with all the panic that I have to do things to just make all of the swirling inside stop.” Your words were coming out faster than you could breathe now and your chest tightened.

“So is that why you cut yourself ?” There it was, he said it. You knew he had noticed the scars, it would have been impossible for him not to if he had touched your arms. Hearing it out loud though made it more real. You sat in silence for a moment, trying to gather a proper answer to explain it. 

“I guess somewhat, it was like a distraction from the swirling. My brain focused on the pain and it would give me a brief respite.” You bit your lip as you waited for him to reprimand you, tell you that it was stupid to hurt yourself or the other countless things youve been told before. 

“But you’ve stopped now?” Sakusa’s question was laced with concern. Thankfully you had stopped years ago, but it was mainly behavior modification rather than the urge going away. 

“Well being locked up in a psychiatric ward my entire life wasn’t particularly appealing, so I went to therapy and I take medicine that I guess helps. I still sort of claw at myself which is why I keep my nails short. But mostly I just try to avoid the things that make my head all fogged up” You felt Sakusa stiffen at your response.

“Why would you be in a hospital for your life just for cutting. Isn’t self harm pretty common” He was right, it is pretty common. And it was highly uncommon for someone to be institutionalized for self harm when it didn’t reach suicidal levels. Taking in a deep breath you readied yourself to rip off the second bandaid. 

“Ah, that's the other part I have to talk to you about I guess. My family. They were the ones who made that threat” Jarring you, Sakusa jerked up and looked down at you with his dark eyes, wide with concern and filled with questions. 

“What the fuck, why would they want you locked up?” You gulped at his terminology of locked up. Years of trying to rationalize your family’s choices and threats had made you wary of this phrase. They always told you it was for your protection, that you weren’t being locked away, you were being placed somewhere that was best for everyone. Not necessarily just for you, but for everyone, ie; what was best for them. 

“Well it would be unsightly for others to see that there’s so much wrong with me. I ended up spending the last two years of high school in and out of the hospital and being home schooled so nobody would see me.” Sakusa scoffed at your explanation. You knew it sounded bad, and honestly it was. 

“Why do they care so much?” Because they suck, you thought. Fiddling with your fingers you cautiously looked up at Sakusa to respond.

“Are you familiar with the Kamimura chain of stores? Um well… my family run them”

“But that’s not your last name” You laughed a little, grateful that it was in fact not your last name. 

“Mom’s side… but the point is that public image matters to them a lot. And I've just never fit into that public image very well. Thankfully they have my sister and brother-in-law so they don’t really need me to fit in very often.” Aside from the stray benefit you were almost never in the public eye these days, mostly thanks to your tattoos, piercings, and hair. You recalled the previous years Christmas party having to wear a wig to appease your mother. You figured least that part of your issues shouldn’t be too big of a problem for Sakusa since he was a pro athlete.

“What about your dad… I sort of saw on your Instagram page” Sakusa tentatively asked, causing you to inhale sharply. You hadn’t planned on discussing that. It wasn’t a secret but you hadn’t expected him to see your Instagram and ask about him. 

“Oh… um well that's sort of complicated. We were really close when I was little, I loved him so much and did everything with him, but uh I guess the pressure with the business and always striving for perfection got to him and he became a really heavy drinker. I never really saw him much outside of dinner functions for the company past maybe age 10. A few years ago his heart just sort of gave out after a binge” You knew losing a parent was sad, and it did suck, but honestly by the end it had felt like you lost your dad years before his actual death happened. It wasn’t really something that actively bothered you outside of minor things, for instance you hated going to weddings and thinking about who would walk you down the aisle. The worst part about him dying was actual your mother becoming about a thousand times more critical of you and your sister moving back to the country to take over the company with her smarmy husband. 

“I’m sure you’ve heard this a billion times but I’m really sorry” Sakusa was right, you had heard it a billion times, and usually you just ignored it but from him it sounded genuine, and not just like something said for the sake of being polite. 

“It’s okay. Like I said, we hadn’t been close for years. The last words he said to me were over the phone, him yelling at me that I was a failure because I turned down medical school” Your father had been drunk that night and called you for the first time in months. Apparently your sister had informed him of your decision to pursue research rather than medical school. You just couldn’t handle the idea of talking to so many people non-stop all day. Sakusa pulled you back to him and kissed the top of your head as you mind blanked out, going back to that last conversation with your father. 

“Oh. Well still for the record. None of this makes me want to break up with you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you and you definitely aren’t a failure” You wiggled in his arms, uncomfortable with his resolute way of stating such things, as if they were inarguable fact. 

“Maybe” You responded quietly.

“You’re not going to believe me are you?” Sakusa let out a sigh and threaded his fingers through your hair. You knew he was trying so hard to comfort you but every inch of your being was screaming that he was wrong. 

“Probably not tonight but I promise I’ll try okay?” You really did mean it, you desperately wanted to believe him. 

“Okay. Was there anything else?” You groaned, remembering the catalyst to the conversation. Your mother. 

“Ummm… someone showed those pictures to my Mother and she wants to meet you on Wednesday for dinner?” Sakusa laughed, as if this was such a simple request and not a march into hell. 

“Okay, I can do that. Parents usually like me” Now that you had zero issues believing, Sakusa was poised and very polite. He was really only sharp when he was uncomfortable but you highly doubted that would be an issue in whatever upscale restaurant your mother would undoubtedly choose. She tended to enjoy private rooms anyways, the better to scold you in, you thought. 

“Yea, I’m not worried about her liking you. I’m worried about what she will say about me”

“She’s that harsh?”

“Sometimes, not always. Sometimes she can be really motherly, I just never really know what I’m going to get with her. Sweet and encouraging, or threatening and judgemental. That's what gives me so much anxiety about seeing her. How do you mentally prepare for that?” Just the thought of it was bringing back the panic you had finally gotten under control. 

“Well maybe since you’ll get to hold my hand the whole time it won't be so bad” Based on previous experience you also knew that Sakusa being present wouldn’t deter her from laying into you either. Having him to comfort you through it didn’t sound entirely awful though. 

  
  


“Maybe”

“And if it gets too hard we can leave, I don’t care if she thinks I’m rude” Sakusa said this as if this was an obvious solution. 

“Really?”

“Yup. I will carry you out myself if I have to” You giggled at the idea of your mothers dumbfounded face as you are carried out of the restaurant fireman style,

“You know, everyone acts like you’re so cold and scary Omi. But you’re probably the sweetest guy I’ve ever known”

“Hmmm is that so? Maybe your sweetness is just rubbing off on me?” Sakusa leaned down and kissed your nose, bringing warmth to your cheeks.

“See! You’re so cheesy!”

“Yeah well just don't tell anyone. I enjoy the fear I can strike into their eyes. It makes them leave me alone.” Sakusa ruffled your hair teasingly and started to get up and off your bed. 

“Whatever you say mister softie” You teased.

“Come here you little weirdo.” Sakusa held his arms out to you, pulling you out of your cocoon of blankets and pillows. 

“What, where are we going?” 

“We are going to take a bubble bath and order takeout. And then we are going to read from one of your billions of books until you are ready to curl up and go to sleep. Deal?” Sakusa looked down at you with caring eyes as he dragged you into your bathroom for the bath. Almost all the panic had left your body, replaced with adoration for this sweet man. 

“Deal” You beamed with joy at the prospect of what sounded like a perfect evening in with Sakusa. For the millionth time you wondered what you did to deserve such an amazing boyfriend. He took everything you told him that night in stride, not even batting an eye outside of criticisms towards your family, which you agreed with. What you thought was going to possibly end your relationship just reaffirmed how much he cared for you. He gave you confidence that perhaps this dinner wouldn’t be the worst night of your life after all. 


	14. A Dissapointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly triggering with some self harm elements at the end, it's not graphic though because I can't write that because then I would just trigger myself. Also I apologize for the angst.

By Wednesday morning Sakusa had given you enough comfort and support to make things more manageable. Were you actively dreading and terrified of seeing your mother that night at dinner? Of course! No amount of bubble baths or cuddles could erase years of psychological torment, but at least you didn’t feel like vomiting every time you noticed the clock getting closer to your assigned meeting time of seven. 

Sitting at your desk you made your best attempts to distract yourself with work. As an intern you were assigned the ever exciting task of data cleaning. It was endless work, that while necessary for providing the most accurate analyses, was essentially mindless and repetitive. You wished you had something meatier to sink your teeth into, something that would actually challenge your thought processes so you could actually distract from your internal panics. 

After the third hour of drone work you were ready to smack your head against your desk, you ever thought it might not be the worst idea since if you did it hard enough maybe you could get concussed and not have to go to dinner. However, you knew a minor concussion wasn’t enough to deter your mother. This being the woman who didn’t believe you when you broke your arm, saying you were overacting and just wanted attention. After an hour of crying she relented and took you to the doctor who confirmed the break and also ordered surgery due to the severity of the issue. 

Surprisingly, rescue from your boredom came in the form of E. coli, that sweet Gram-negative rod was the knight in shining armor of your afternoon. Of course it was bad that an uptick in cases were being seen at the local hospitals, but based on the reports that had been sent over so far they were relatively mild cases and expected to fully recover. For you though it meant you got to help with the investigative work, determining the source of the outbreak. Your interest may not lie in food safety, but you weren't too proud to admit you thought the investigative work seemed a little fun. 

You were assigned a few patient interviews to read through and make lists of common foods and water sources shared among the cases. With most of the floor being pulled into going through the reports the work went quickly. The source had been narrowed down to a sandwich chain downtown, and mostly likely the contamination originated from some bad sprouts. It’s always the sprouts.

For the first time since starting your internship you felt confident and like part of a team, rather than like the weird pink haired girl who just sits quietly doing her math. When some of the epidemiology team discussed getting drinks after work they even invited you. You politely declined since you had a date with hell but in a moment of boldness you said ‘another time’ rather than a straight refusal. Aoi would be proud, you thought.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Stripping as soon as you got home you took a quick shower and began getting ready. The plan was for Sakusa to meet you outside the restaurant after his practice since the gym they trained at was much closer. You were nervous about going alone, but figured your mother would arrive late as always, giving Sakusa plenty of time to arrive before her, and hopefully time to help calm your nerves.

Wrapped in a fluffy towel you sat at your vanity, pulling your legs up to your chest and let out a deep sigh. You looked at yourself in the mirror, trying to pick up on all the imperfections your mother was sure to notice and comment on. Starting with your eyebrows you plucked each stray hair, and then a few more that were just on the brink of being stray. Next you hid each blemish and freckle with a combination of cover-up and foundation. The face that looked back in the mirror was now a blank canvas for you to paint the look of an ideal daughter upon. You used neutral shadows, a small amount of eye-liner with no fun cat eye elements, and a light coat of mascara. After adding a touch of blush and then a neutral pink lipstick you finished. There was no denying that you looked pretty still, but you didn’t look like you. The makeup was too mature and lifeless, but you knew this wasn’t the night for vampy lips or winged liner. 

Your hair was an unavoidable issue, but you weren’t about to dye it for one dinner, so you knew there would be at least a few comments about the pink hue. To minimize damage you separated it into two braids that you then tied up into a milkmaid style. You hoped that having it up would help a little, make the pink less noticeable if it wasn’t free flowing down your shoulders. 

The final choice was the outfit, you knew long sleeves would be non-negotiable since showing any tattoo would be a first class ticket to being screamed at. After deliberation between pants or a dress you chose a knee length navy frock and a grey slouchy cardigan. With the combination everything should be covered and hopefully the outfit would be dull enough to garner minimum attention since you knew the hair would already make you stand out at the restaurant. To finish the ensemble, you slid on a pair of pale pink heels that your mother had given you a few Christmases back that you really only wore when you saw her. Your coordination was terrible enough in converse, no need to add extra danger to your daily goings ons. 

Biting your lip you checked your phone and cursed when you noticed the time. You needed to leave so you called an uber, locked up your door and went outside to wait for the driver. The nerves in your stomach began to act up once you got into the back seat of the car, you closed your eyes and tried to banish those thoughts because you knew, for the first time, you wouldn’t be alone for this. Knowing Sakusa should be finishing up practice you sent him a quick text giving him a heads up that you were on your way and that you would see him soon. Just texting him calmed you a bit. Seeing the name on your phone was a reassurance that there was someone who didn’t think you were broken, someone who didn’t think you were too much.

Once you arrived at the restaurant you found a bench outside the doors and sat down to wait for Sakusa. In an attempt to ground yourself from the looming anxiety you ran your fingers up and down the cool metal slats of the bench and closed your eyes. You were aware you looked a little odd but that wasn’t something entirely new for you. In the grand scheme of things, you figured sitting on a bench with your eyes closed garnered less attention than if you were to have a panic attack out there. Focusing on the feel of the bench and your breathing the time passed by until you were brought out of your serene headspace with the sharp sound of a disapproving ‘tch’. 

“It’s bad enough that you insist on looking like that but is it also necessary for you to act so odd? We are in public darling, and I would hate for people to think you an unintelligible mad woman” Standing in front of you unimpressed was your mother. She wore a stylish grey frock with a simple strand of pearls. She always looked timelessly classic, always so polished, you were pretty sure she didn’t even go to the gym without having lipstick on. 

“ Ah mother, are you here early?” While you had never known your mother to be early a day in her life you figured today could be the first. Her world ran on her time tables so she never truly rushed anywhere. She showed up an hour late to your college graduation, completely missing you walking to get your diploma. When questioned about this she simply said she didn’t think you cared if she saw or not since it's not like it was anything special all graduations look the same. 

“No, I am here when I said I would be.” Furrowing your brow you looked down at your phone, it was already 7:20. You had sat outside for twenty minutes completely zoned out without realizing it. You looked around the people walking around outside and didn’t see Sakusa. Knowing he wouldn’t go inside without you, you assumed he must not have arrived yet. 

“Oh. Um. Sakusa isn’t here yet I guess. You go ahead inside, I’m going to wait a few more minutes out here.” Sighing your mother reached down and patted your head, giving you a look of pity. Your body stiffened under her touch.

“[Y/N] it’s okay if he isn’t coming. I know there are photographs of the two of you, but he is an athlete. Surely he has other women he is seeing.” You wished you had the strength to yell at her, how dare she say that. Sakusa wasn’t like that at all, you knew that, even Akaashi had confirmed that. Unfortunately, you didn’t have that strength so you just trembled out what you could. 

“M-mother… Sakusa isn’t like that...he is only dating me.. and he is coming. He probably just got held up at practice with something.”

“Right… well don’t stay out here too long. I’ve had such a long day and I honestly am in no mood to wait around because you are having a tantrum” Your mother rolled her eyes as she responded, making it very clear that she would not be in the caring sweet mother mood tonight. 

“Just a couple minutes, I’ll call him. I’m sure he’s on his way” You said softly. He had to be on his way, it wasn’t like him to be this late. 

Your mother gave you a quick glare of disapproval before turning and walking into the grand doors of the restaurant. Looking at your phone you didn’t see any texts from Sakusa, and no read receipt on the text you had sent from the Uber on the way over. Clicking on his contact you called him, just one ring and then straight to voicemail. Was his phone off? You wondered if maybe something was going on at practice and he just had turned his phone off before putting it in his locker. Since you didn’t have the numbers of any of his teammates you texted the next best thing.

**[Y/N]: Hey is their practice running late tonight or something?**

**[Akaashi]: No...Kou just got home.**

**[Y/N]: Oh ok thanks.**

**[Akaashi]: Is everything okay?**

**[Y/N]: Yup! Everything is fine :)**

**[Akaashi]: I thought you were meeting with your mom tonight?**

**[Y/N]: Yup! But it’s all good no worries!!! :) :)**

  
  


Your stomach sank, as your mind ran out of explanations for why Sakusa was late. The only idea that stuck in your brain was that he had changed his mind. He had decided that you were asking for too much, being with you was just too much. Turning your head towards the doors of the restaurant you felt your chest tighten up from a lack of oxygen as you forgot to breathe. You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t face your mother right now. All she would do was reaffirm what you already knew. Sakusa was too good for you, it was naïve of you to think he would choose you. He could have any woman he wanted, there was no need to lower himself for some weird girl who can barely function in the real world. Stupid, stupid, stupid, you were so incredibly stupid. 

Not having it in you to face your mother you got up from the bench, took off your heels and started walking south down the sidewalk. You couldn’t bring yourself to call another car to take you home, if the driver merely asked you how you were you figured you would simply break down. While you didn’t really know this area, you were familiar enough to know that in order to get home you needed to go south. The sidewalk was cold and rough against your feet, and the other pedestrians were surely judging you but you were past the point of being socially conscious. Right then you used all your energy to just keep from sitting on the ground right there and crying. 

Thankfully, after a few blocks you saw trees and stretches of grass signaling a local park. You wandered toward a large tree and just let yourself collapse against its sturdy trunk. Far enough away from the general public you finally let go. Tears streamed down your cheeks and your body shook as you clawed at your arm scraping up and down until the skin was raw and started to bleed. When you looked down and noticed what you had done you began banging your head against the trunk of the tree behind you. You hated feeling like this, it was proof that Sakusa was right to not come, he was right to not want to be with you. There was something so fundamentally broken about you and you just wanted it all to stop. You wanted all of these thoughts swirling in your mind to just shut up. Letting out a scream you continued hitting your head against the tree. Shut up, shut up, shut up you screamed, unsure if you were saying it out loud or in your mind at this point. You felt your body begin to go light as you continued the assault, until finally things just went black. 

* * *

  
  


“You have two unheard messages. First unheard message. ‘Sakusa, it's Akaashi. Are you with [Y/N]? She texted me earlier but it was a little weird, and now I can’t get a hold of her. I just want to make sure she’s okay. Please let me know or tell her to message me, thanks.’ Second unheard message. ‘ Listen here you absolute cunt ass flaming piece of garbage. I got your number off of [Y/N]’s phone and I swear to every god that ever was that you better have the best excuse for standing her up or so help me I will break every bone and ligament in those precious volleyball hands of yours. You better have been detained by the fucking president or something. Do you have any idea what this girl has gone through, and she was finally going to stand up to her mom, but no instead my beautiful friend is in a fucking hospital. They’re calling it self harm but as far as I’m concerned you did this to her. You told her you would be there, you knew how important it was and then you didn’t fucking show up. Personally I don’t think you deserve her but she sure as fuck deserves an explanation and an apology, so get your fucking shit together you lanky ass volleyball fuck.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the angst


End file.
